fucking real

how do you stay true to yourself and to your loved ones? how do you fucking do it?

how do you speak your own truth when you know it's going to kill the ones you love.

i spoke my truth about being battered by their father to my children, now that they're all out of high school. and now they don't want to talk to me.

i spoke my truth that i thought i was bisexual to my boyfriend; now we live in 2 different states.

i spoke my truth to my fundamnetalist family that i'm an atheist; now they hardly speak to me.

why do i have to pay for speaking my truth?

why do i have to pay for thinking these thoughts.

i just rewatched season 1 episode 1-4 of the L word. i love that show cuz it's so fucking honest about the emotionally life of women.

it's so fucking similar to what i feel in my life.

i love that the characters struggle so. that they have flaws. that they have a posse. that they have pain and drama and tension and relationships which break down.

that is what real life is like.

but right now, i'm so fucking sick of real life.

i feel like i have to pay and pay and pay for speaking my truth. i feel like i have to writhe and moan in agony just to fucking be real.

i could have lived so many other lives. i could still be an oppressed housewife in a mansion with kids who still speak to me, but with a life that was meaningless.
i could still be the perfect daughter going to church 3 times a week, trying to earn my parents' approval. i could still be the sister who just goes along with all the fundamentalist bullshit which makes my brother the head of the family now that my dad's dead, instead of my oldest sister or my mom who have much more compassion and wisdom and years on him. i could have silenced my desire, my needs, my experience.

i could still be in denial about everything i am.

but i'm not. i'm fucking not.

and there's something to be said for that.

no matter how hard this road is. there's something to be said for being real.