Wednesday, September 10, 2008
i'm so proud of myself: putting up my little tent. dragging all my belongings to walk in camp. hiding my food and toiletries from bears in the the bear proof lockers....
i feel more tired than usual but i think it's cuz i'm getting used to the elevation changes. i've been changing altitude so rapidly lately. 3 weeks ago at 4K. 2 weeks ago at desert. last week at mile high denver. last weekend in vail which is higher. and last night at 8K and then today back at 4K. whew! it's tough on my body!
but i'm drinking plenty of fluid and remaining physically active even when i'm tired as i know it will help me acclimate.
i miss my boyfriend sooooooooo bad. i'm kinda wishin we hadn't broken up. but that's why i don't want to talk to him. i'm afraid if i do, we'll just get back together and it won't be best for either of us.
being here reminds me of how lonely i am. but i'm also very happy. i feel the loneliness as a choice i made. i choose to travel alone. i chose to break up. i chose to be far away from friends and family to get my head straight and to be close to nature which always heals me.
i don't think loneliness is a bad thing necesarily. usually i'm a very gregarious person with a million friends who loves to go to parties and give them.
but i feel this need to get away from everyone and everything for a while. really commune with my inner self.
and i feel very much rewarded with clear thinking and purposefulness.
i was frustrated today by having to work so hard for the little things, like you must do when you camp. sometimes when i'm going through physical hardship (even minor like lugging all my stuff to my camp which was the farthest location from the car), i think of my ex and all the money i left behind. i know i could be staying at the fanciest lodge here if i'd stayed. and to stay within my budget i'm staying at one of the least expensive camps.
but why should i be ungrateful. i caught myself pining for more money and luxury while i was washing my feet in the camp bathroom. i had to hike my foot way up and stand on one foot, since there was no shower and internally i was grousing about it. then i thought, i could turn this into a meditation on gratitude. i could be grateful for water, for soap, for dirt, for nature, for my foot and how it supports me.
so i did. i am able more and more, thanks to buddhism, to catch myself feeling ungrateful and just pause in the moment and make a conscious choice to be thankful.
nothing like getting back to the basics of primitive camping to make you thankful for the little things, like running water.
thank you goddess for the beauty of this place. it's absolutely a miracle of geology that this place exists and i love it!!!!!!!!