Monday, September 8, 2008
how can you love someone so much and it not work out?
how can you give so much of your heart and receive so much love and the relationship still doesn't work?
i came back to reno early yesterday; got a flight out early from denver after breaking up with my boyfriend. i was supposed to stay a week; i made it 4 days.
i felt so guilty doing it. but i felt like we'd grown apart and that he wasn't there for me.
he's been my best cheerleader, my biggest support, my best friend for so long.
i miss him terribly already.
i'm afraid if i talk to him, i'll just go back to the way things were and it won't work all over again.
we've been in love for 6 years. and we were friends for a year and a half before we dated. i had a huge crush on him before we went out.
he's shy with women. i love that about him. he's tender hearted.
but yesterday, he just exploded in anger, yelling, cursing and raging at a car in the next lane right beside me, who he felt had cut him off. i was shocked at the outpouring of such anger. he was like a volcano. then he turned that anger on me for the slightest things.
and that scared me. he did that once at the beginning of our relationship and i told him if he didn't control his temper, i just couldn't be around him since it reminded me of my abusive ex. he was so apologetic and most of the time he really is gentle.
but that's not the only reason i broke it off. he had no time for me when i came to see him. and during what little amount of time we had together, he was too tired from working so much to do anything fun. and that's pretty much the way things were a lot when we were living in the same town.
i love this man so much but i always felt that his career came wayyyyyyyyyyy before me.
and that's fine for him but not for me. i don't want that anymore. i had it. i was married to that.
i had a rare relationship with my father; he came home every night and tucked me in bed. he told me stories each morning and read to me from the time i was very little. he took off each weekend and played with me and my siblings for hours on end. my father was not a saint, but he was there for us. he put my mom and us first.
and i want that same kind of attention from a partner. i want to be with someone who puts fun and relationships first, not second, or third.
my boyfriend wants to put in 60-80 hour work weeks right now. even though he's working more hours right now than when we lived together, he's always been a workaholic.
and i have lived with those choices for 6 years. and felt neglected. and felt like fun was passing us by.
i love him and he loves me but we can't make this work right now.
i don't think we ever will. i used to hold out hope for the future but not anymore. i think i really saw him for who he is, and why should i try to change him? he is happy with his work and if that's what makes him happy, then why should i be miserable and lonely waiting for him.
he has been the most loving and kind person i've ever been in love with.
i'll take away many lessons that he taught me, especially about buddhism and meditation.
i hope we can remain friends because i respect him more than just about anyone on the planet.
he is so gentle and loving 99% of the time.
and i feel so grateful to have been allowed to love him in this lifetime.
if i could talk to him without breaking down, i think i would say:
"i love you my darling and i always will.
i wish it had worked."
but i must follow my heart and i feel more ready to do it than ever. i feel stronger.