that night after a nice fuck in the hottub with my lover (and another man who helped me live out my dream of dp - just with a finger though, not a dick!), i barely slept! the partyers had been invited to stay over but we didn't realize it was only the inner circle who actually would take them up on it! the rain forced those in tents on the lawn to come indoors so there was almost no place to sleep!
turns out my lover had been to a million parties with most of the inner circle anyway so we made ourselves at home. (i never felt really comfortable, and later i found out he didn't either.) we camped out in the living room on the floor while the host's friends had sex, or snored, or got high, or shared loud drunken stories all around us.
we fucked a little more in our sleeping bags and it felt really good. it had been hard to "get a good purchase" (as he likes to say) in the hottub; we'd slipped and slid all round each other and not fully orgasmed.
after making love, we fell sound asleep for a few hours; i was shocked i could rest with that much going on around me! but i'd come prepared with ear plugs, and sleeping pills.
now even on a good night, i need about 9 hours to feel fully human. and my body is very particular; ever since my health began to decline 16 years ago, i've needed to go to bed before 11 pm or i feel like shit the next day. (this isn't to say i usually do this. since i'm a night owl and love to blog or read till 1 or 1 am, i wake up a lot of days and feel like absolute crap!)
at burning man, i taught my body to party all night and sleep all day, something i'd NEVER done in my whole life. (remember, i was a "good girl" all through high school and college!)
but after getting only a few hours sleep from about 5 am-ish till 8 am-ish, i was just not hitting on all cylinders the next day at that party.
we were awakened by friendly folks in full halloween costumes making scrambled eggs and serving kahlua and cream with coffee, the good kind.
i ate sooooooooo much! i was starving! partying all night wears me out and makes me hungry even though i still don't do ANY drugs, even pot.
we ate like pigs, like burners actually! you know that feeling when you wake up on the playa (after a night of walking miles and miles to 10 different parties and dancing your ass off till dawn) when someone's cooking breakfast and you can smell the bacon from your tent, your jiz spattered, dust covered, day old feet smelling tent! yes, that's the feeling i had that morning in marin! your brain screams, "BACON!!!! BACON, NOW! I CAN EAT A POUND OF IT!!!! MORE, MORE, MORE BACON!!!!!"
and i did! i ate my weight in bacon. there were no carbs to be found, (or even forks or spoons or coffee mugs,) but by god there was bacon! and i ate my eggs with my hands like a good camper!
we flirted with strangers, chatted with friends of my lover; it was all very surreal cuz the house was still decorated for halloween on nov. 1 and the guests were in their costumes leftover from the night before. the mantle over the fireplace (where we ate with our fingers, in the dining nook off the kitchen) was covered in skulls. rat skulls, cayman skulls, snake skeletons. i began to feel a little disembodied, like i would soon wake from this strange dream.
my lover and i got into a little spat over him flirting with too, too, too many women without introducing me properly. (we're in an open relationship and he's only my "secondary" - he has a wife and i have a boyfriend, but hey, you can be polite or rude!!! and in my book, he was very rude.)
finally by the afternoon, all the anonymous sex, and the flirting he was doing, and the aggressive guys who were constantly hitting on me for no good reason, and the kahlua that hit my teetotaller brain quite hard and the sleep deprivation.......... i had HAD it! i wanted to GO HOME!!!!
i just couldn't face another 24 hours of hard partying with people who never met a drug they didn't like! and never heard a story they couldn't retell a thousand times drunk!
yes, these were fascinating people that i'd never have access to in the south: globetrotters with houses in bali, world class writers and artists and musicians. but I WAS TIRED OF THEM!!!!!!
tired of them and their free love and sex and debauchery. tired of smelling other people's cum. tired of watching the disparity between the host, who felt free to hit on anyone, and his wife, who was cleaning the house frantically and seemed so stressed out, worried about a thousand party details, and distraught at having that many people under foot in her sanctuary. (i didn't blame her and began to wonder whose idea it was to have the party!)
after a huge fight, during which i called my lover every name in the book, he refused to take me home and i discovered i was too broke for a cab. there is NOOOOOOOOO good public transportation in that part of marin so i was stuck. i threw a shitfit!
i confessed that i'd fallen in love with my married lover and that i didn't think i could do an open relationship with him. i confessed that i had a double standard. that i wanted to be able to flirt with and fuck any man woman or transperson i found attractive but that i wanted him to be celibate.
i confessed that i didn't want to be a free loving woman, that it made me feel slutty and that i wanted to go home, eat my mama's cooking, vote republican, get married, live behind a white picket fence and be buried near my ancestors like a good southern girl would do!
oh dear sweet lord jeebus, what had i become!
well, that set us to laughing! the fact that i could confess to all this complexity inside me. that sometimes i don't feel at all like the openly sexual being, the LGBTIQQ activist, the progressive person i've become. sometimes under stress, i want to revert to my fundamentalist values for safety's sake.
wow! what a revelation!
so, i asked my lover to hold me while i took a nap.
and he did just that.
i know he's not going to leave his wife. i know i don't actually want to live with him. i know i'm not going to give up my freedom to cater to a man ever again in this lifetime or the next!!!!
but it felt good to get my feelings all out there; even the scary ones of wanting to own my lover. even how scary it feels to take responsiblity for all my sexual choices. even the ones i now regret.
so he held me and i fell asleep on his chest on the sofa on the back patio by the heated pool, under the veranda while the partyers laughed above us.
and it felt good.