Monday, October 13, 2008

tribe v blogger; hard times fall on the southern girl

oh my god! so much has happened since i last blogged.

i notice that on blogger, since i have no viewer controls, i don't blog about my hard times as much as my happy times.

on tribe (which i much prefer, but which is having so many difficulties keeping their doors open and consequently so many tech trubs, i gave up!) i had viewer control. i could set some blog entries to private and so only reveal my hard times to my friends.

but it seems i have no readers on here or at least none who leave comments so what the hell? why'm i proud?

i miss the reader comments i use to get on tribe!!!!!!!!!!! i had developed a loyal following and always got feedback. it feels very lonely on blogger, like i'm shouting into the wind - just whistling in the dark. but i believe that blogging has been a very healthy outlet for me so i'm keeping it up.

also, i'm really determined to create a feminist "on the road" version of traveling around cali ala kerouac.

i finally read his _big sur_ (and then toured some of his haunts, including nepenthe). a bunch of run-on sentences and drunken ramblings, but damn, he's a fascinating drunk! and he was brave enough to write about his own wretchedness and self loathing. while he struggled with extreme internalized homophobia, (hell - who didn't in the 50's?) he did write with great tenderness about his male friendships. that takes some guts!

where to start on my last 2 weeks: it's been a whirlwind of activity!

i dated a couple of guys i met in the central coast, both of whom did not get second dates. one local guy bored me to tears in between being fascinating and the other was an indian immigrant who was absolutely clueless about american dating customs. he actually said this to me: "can we do the oral now?" are you kidding me? wtf????? you'd think he was fresh off the boat but no, he'd been in this country for 3 years!!!!!!!!!! he was a young doctoral student who gave me a boring tour of the dairy department at the uni. he was besotted with me and begging to see me again after one evening. oh boy! seriously, he just needed to get out more! telling him i had a son only slightly younger than him did not put him off.

you know how guys complain that girls pressure them to call and then bitch about how they don't call after a date. well, this guy pressured me and pressured me to get together for a second date. i really hate to lie to someone and i pride myself on being honest but i must say, i lied a blue streak to this poor guy just to get rid of him.

all my life, guys have been interested in me way out of proportion to the duration to which they've known me. wtf? it's flattering to a point but after a while, it gets tiring fending off attention that you don't want. i really don't get this! i love myself but i'm no great beauty. i was always popular but learned early on that popularity only gets you so far - you really have to develop morals and a deep sense of yourself to get where you want to go.

i think, perhaps, because my dad and mom trained me in the art of conversation, and they both could make you feel as if you were the only person in the room and the most fascinating one at that - that trait got passed on to me. everyone in my family is genuinely interested in every one they meet. they are not flatterers, but they do have the gift of making other people feel at home and making them feel that they've been heard. we are good compassionate listeners in my clan.

therefore, i've developed a theory about these guys (and a few women) who just get so struck with infatuation after only a little time with me. i think they are falling in love with themselves. i think they've probably not had too many people pay close attention to them and give a crap so they confuse my kindness and genuine interest with romantic intent.

plus, i'm a hopeless flirt. i can't help it. it's how girls in the south are raised!

the local guy wrote me poetry after only 1 date. that's a bit much! but he did know many very interesting details about his community and he pointed me to some cool places i wouldn't have known of otherwise. so i thanked him and politely disengaged.

meanwhile back at the hostel - the owner's ex came by and they're going through a divorce- during which she had a meltdown and fired all the volunteers! she actually was nice enough to give us all till the end of october to find another WWOOF site but i was getting bored and ready to move on so i just left in a huff.

sometimes my temper gets the best of me no matter how hard i try to be a good buddhist. i had kept it in check the whole time i'd been there even though the hostel owner had been wildly emotional and criticized all the volunteers to the point of tears, where they were all seriously hurt and looking for other placements, afraid of her whims causing them to be homeless for christ's sake!

finally after she accused me of pouring out her tea (she kept accusing all of us of anything the hostel guests did as if we were personally trying to make her life hell!) i had just had it. i let her know that i had plenty of other places to go! and i told her that i thought her parents must have given her very little praise and very strong criticism since that was the only form of communication she seemed able to give the WWOOF volunteers. i've spent 20 years in nonprofit management and service, and have learned that just because you are a volunteer does not mean you have to take shit!

the other volunteers privately cheered me on, told me how much they admire me, and we plan on remaining friends and perhaps wwoofing together. but i kinda wish i hadn't blown my cool. i wish i'd behaved more professionally. ah, but sometimes life is short and you just have to lay your cards on the table.

so i'm back in the city, back in san francisco. my favorite city in the whole world! i came back for a burner party.

and it was soooooooooooooo worth it!!!!!!!!!

more later.

just found out my two subtenants have stiffed me for October rent again and the landlord is threatening to start eviction AGAIN! i cannot believe i've had to go through this 2 months in a row. what part of pay your rent on time do people not understand! shit, being a landlord is sucky! being a leasor trying to enforce sublessors rent payments is even suckier!

i contacted a tenants rights organization which said they'd help me so hopefully i can get the subtenants to pay the rent. they are a lesbian couple (doctor and rental tsar) so they should be responsible!!!!!!!!!! wtf - they make like ten times my salary and they can't come up with rent?

the other one, trouble (his name is so apt) moved out without telling me and then failed to pay rent, yet again! (i actually was able to be civil to him in public at the burner party last night but it took every ounce of my graciousness not to call him out in public.)

which means, i could have been living in my huge condo all of october or at least renting it out and earning income on it. but no, he didn't tell me. just moved out with no notice and stiffed me for rent and deposit! and the landlord and other tenants claim he caused all kinds of damage for which i'm now liable.

what an asshole!

last time i deal with burners as roommates! they're cool but californians seem to me to be a flaky bunch!

i really wish i was not a drama queen. i've tried so damn hard to eliminate the drama in my life.

but it seems like it finds me.

what can you do when your tenants don't pay rent except get drama?

how do you deal with a volunteer placement where all the volunteers get let go - by a paranoid depressed woman going through a messy divorce - without drama???????

how do you deal with a jealous lover without drama?

one of my lovers, my favorite one, my steady one, the one who gives me the most mulitiple orgasms, the one who quotes me beautiful poetry in bed, got really jealous over me.

i can understand, since polyamory is hard, and i get jealous too sometimes.

but all the same, it's hard to be on the receiving end. we're going to have lunch today so hopefully we can talk through it.

we have a pattern of doing great when we're in private but he seems to really get upset when we go to parties where i'm interested in other people and they flirt with me or wanna hang out and he feels rejected.

i really love him and care about his feelings so i'm trying to sort out what i'm responsible for and what i'm not. being new to polyamory doesn't help since i still feel so clueless half the time.

but i know i'll find my way.

damn, i've come full cicle back to that's one of the main things i miss about tribe is that it had such a strong polyamory community and i could post questions and have a million answers in no time. people on there gave really good advice and were really experienced.

and i miss my blog readers.


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