i'm so full of conflicting emotions: deep joy and contentment over being here in san francisco and being OUT; deep sadness over missing my kids so much and knowing how alienated they feel from me for my activism on domestic violence. huge pride at our fabulous LGBT pride culture. (it's pride week and everything is rainbow flags all over the city!) deep grief over all those lost to AIDS and other catastrophic illnesses. deep loneliness over the existential angst and essential aloneness of life. deep exhaustion from staying out late partying this weekend. elation over life - that i'm here now; this is all the life i have and it's pretty fanfuckingtastic!

friday night i met my lover at the burning man party precompression. it was unbelievable! a truly world class party for only $15 $25 if you wore street clothes but you got 10 bucks off if you were dressed in playa insanity! i got in for 15! i took my fuzzy pink floral mini-skirted bathrobe, magic wand, pink sparkly sandals, pink bikini bottoms, and purple hair dye and lipstick (same outfit i'd shopped for and worn to primal last weekend, again with my lover.) but i ended up not wearing any of it, save for the sandals, it was just too damn hot!

the music was killer! and there were 3 levels with multiple stages and diff djs and moods on each level. my favorite were drum corps, all dressed in red. my lover said they did a samba beat with brazilian rhythms. i didn't know what it was, i just know it moved all my chakras, and he and i danced like we were posessed on the front row! the whole place just erupted when they were on! there was a very hot powerful roundish woman leading the bass drummers, and she had a solo song with a low alto voice. she was to die for! mamma mia! i wanted to just throw down and make love to her and the crowd of dancers moved in and took turns moving with her. one luscious young woman with long flowing spiral hair danced so erotically with her very hot butch lover who was all in camo with a shaved head. (ask! tell!)

tonight and friday i worked the LGBT Frameline Film Festival. it's a trip! friday's film was painstakingly slow but so moving! today's matinee, the goodbye and no regrets tour about a man named Gregg Gour, who travels the country - in an RV with his dog - to visit his beloved friends and family before he ends his life after battling HIV/AIDS for 24 years, made me weep. i got to tell his mom how much her son meant to me even though i just "met" him today.

and tonight's film was a series of beautifully shot stories from china, drifting flowers. may, a young girl who falls in love with her older blind sister's "boyfriend" who's actually a dyke. an alzheimer's sufferer who imagines that her new housemate, her long lost gay husband, is her old female lover returned to her. and diego, a harassed but fierce butch trying to find her place in a world which leaves her no inheritance since she's a girl.

yesterday, i just stayed home and made love to my persian all day. he fucks me so good. he makes me come so many ways i've never come before and he's so playful and generous. he's the best lover by a million that i've ever had. i'm wrestling with the fact that we have oral sex with no protection and the consequences which that may bring. we talked about it the other day, since we're both poly and have other lovers, i'm concerned about stds. i haven't resolved this to my satisfaction. or rather my satisfaction has come before my health concerns. and i'm cumming and cumming and cumming. but i still worry over having oral sex unsafely!

but when he puts his tongue on my clit or talks dirty to me and tells me what he's going to do to me, i don't care. i just want him, THERE! now! damn, he's good.

it was so goddamn hot yesterday and my condo has no AC. we kept taking mini-showers and turning the fan on us to cool off. it was still about 90 in my bedroom and i was just scorched! so he went to the freezer, got a popsicle, made me close my eyes and lay down naked, and ran the tip of the frozen treat all over my body, then he'd lick the juices off me. my hips, drip drip lick lick. the inside of my elbow, drip drip lick lick. my thigh, drip drip lick lick. my belly. my fingers. suck suck. my cunt. ooooh that felt so good i squealed and squirmed the whole time!

he loves to take me out to dinner whenever he comes, there's a great indian place just below me which is our usual hangout, but it was closed so we crossed the street to le cheval. i hadn't been there since i'd fainted there 2 weeks ago and the EMTs had been called to take me to the ER.

i felt weird going back, like it was bad luck. it was so hot and there was no air conditioning but they seated us under a fan, and brought us a large pitcher of ice cold water. i took a fine white cloth napkin, discreetly poured the ice water on it, and placed it around my neck. he ordered orange beef, i had french rice and lettuce wrapped chicken egg rolls. ohmygod was it good!

i'm so happy recounting all this. i'm so blessed! even if my kids won't talk to me since i've finally started speaking out about all the violence i lived through, my life is very precious. i miss them everyday, painfully so. but my life, all by itself, not as just a mother and ex-wife, is important! and i have great pleasure every minute of every day when i focus on all i have. when i live in the now.