i dipped my finger in to the champagne flute and wet it with kahlua and cream, then painted his sweet cock, dripping a little on his balls.
i knelt down to lick it off.
i kept painting him up and down, stroking and playing with him gently.
i was sitting on him cowgirl style as he lay on my bed, occasionally taking a break from my watercolor kink to lean over, kiss his lips, and let my breasts rub up and down his perfect chest.
after a while, he tired of my toying with him, flipped me over, and started fucking me right hard in my ass, which i've come to love. he's the first person i've ever done this with and it's really been fun learning how.
we've been playing with lots of .........well........ass play.
i think i've come to fetishize asses since they are just ever so naughty. and he adores coming in mine.
he's getting better and better. he was always gentle and sensitive and caring like a good lover should be. and he's always been amazingly skillful at making me come from any position.
i can't believe that after a year together, we're still discovering fun fresh ideas of what to do to each other in bed! we are really perfecting the ass fucking thing. he comes in very slowly, and holds very still till i adjust to his girth. and then when i want him to, (in fact, i'm begging him) he pumps in and out. sometimes he growls in my ear: "i'm gonna fuck you very slowly and torment you, baby." oh god, that just about does me in!
i can't believe he can make me come that way! last night, it seemed like his every stroke was making me orgasm.
damn, he's good.
i love my persian!
he'd come over straight after work to make sweet love to me and to entertain me. we can sit in bed laughing over silly little stuff for hours, discussing our hopes and fears about our careers, spiritual lives, kinky perversions, significant others, and what we're into lately.
he started taking level 2 of an improv class in the city. (San Francisco: for those of you who don't live here; that's what people who live in the burbs, like moi, call it.) i love to watch him act out various new things he's learned.
he was telling me all about this party he wants to take me to this weekend. he's so excited. he's been talking about it for weeks. it's an all weekend halloween extravaganza put on by friends of his burner crowd. tons of burning man campmates will be swimming in the heated pool, showing off their costumes, playing music, fire dancing, lounging around the beach house in the chi chi neighborhood in marin, and camping in the backyard under the (airlifted in!) royal palm trees.
oh and there will be nekkid hot tubbing; it still cracks me up as a southern girl, that all the stereotypes we learned about californians are so true; many of my new friends believe anything new age, are totally into astrology, and go swimming au naturel routinely. i love this!
he already bought his costume: he's going to be "sultan peppah!" ha! get it? he loves to play with language and speaks many of them fluently. he knows i find him irresistible when he whispers naughty things in my ear when we're in bed together. last night he was extolling the virtues of my ass in italian with a few french phrases thrown in. i love when he teaches me how to say naughty slang in another tongue.
daYmn, i'm happy!
the last few days we've been eating tons of indian food (we found a great place in my new neighborhood), slurping down mango lassis, fucking like rabbits (making up for lost time while i was on the road having adventures), and cracking each other up with stories of all we've been through while we've been apart.
he's also been helping me downsize from my 1800 square foot condo to a 100 square foot bedroom. i want to stay in just a small space when my kids aren't with me and i like communal living. so i gave away most of my furniture and belongings i'd accumulated since i moved to the bay area 2 years ago.
i can't believe it's been two years! i started housesitting in Pleasant Hill 2 years ago! then housesat in orinda and moved into the city to bernal heights.
i still have gotten clients from the original folks who had me out here 2 years ago, and am headed up to nevada city to housesit for the holidays. i'm so excited.
i think my kids are coming for xmas and if so, i'm taking them snowboarding in lake tahoe, just an hour from where i'm staying.
i also got a gig with a buddhist community in the gold country doing some consulting work. i love how one thing always leads to another for me.
i love being foot loose and fancy free. wheeeee!
all my life, i've been such a good girl: perfect wife, caring mom, loyal daughter to aging parents, hard worker. now it's my turn. and i'm having a ball!
this evening, i walked my adopted berkeley 'hood again for miles. i always discover something new! i found a toddler park with an art center. the kids had made these amazing photo collages of civil rights hero(in)es for voter awareness. there was frederick douglas, such a stunningly smart and beautiful face. there was malcolm x, elizebeth cady stanton, and many others unknown to me. (i'd never heard of alice paul so i need to read her story.)
the building was covered in murals the kids had done over the years, so colorful and cheery. watching the moms took me back to when my kids were little.
and i love strolling the blocks looking at all the different types of architecture, from bungalow to victorian. and the landscaping. it still blows me away that i get to live in this fabulous climate where lemons and oranges and bougainvillea bloom year round!
i chatted with dear friends and fam back home in tennessee while i walked. tomorrow's my birthday and they've been calling and writing.
just as i was nearing my house again, i stumbled upon a large, beautifully decorated brazilian dance center, holding capoeira classes right in my new backyard! yay!!!! i wanna take a class before i leave here.
last night, after we'd fucked each other silly for hours and we were both certain we couldn't possibly come anymore, he was talking on and on to me, just as i was drifting off to sleep...
i wanted to shut him up, so i playfully stuck my finger in his mouth. well, he began very erotically to suck my finger, up and down, nibbling and stroking with his nimble tongue.
(he's bi and has sucked cock very well before. this is one thing that i find astoundingly attractive about him.)
daYmn if that boy didn't put me in the mood again. i climbed on top of him and made him describe his cock sucking adventures while i lowered my lil cuntie down on his already hard again dick. as i was coming, he reached up for the crystal glass, took a sip of kahlua and cream, and kissed me with the taste of it on his lips, giving me a shotgun liqueur kiss! god, i love that man!
he's taking me to asiasf, the "gender illusionist" nightclub, for my birthday tomorrow and to a madonna concert on saturday. yay! will report back on my adventures!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
curses and blessings
yeah!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!
i can blog again!
i've been dying to blog but i've been crazy busy and the house i moved into has very limited connectivity sooooooooooooooo.........i had all this stuff all bottled up inside me and no where to put it!
yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i've been going through pure unmitigated hell lately so i've been trying to find the blessings in all this. i hate pollyanna theology and am a confirmed atheist. but i do believe in finding the good things that come after* suffering.
blessin's: (that's the way we say it down south, we generally drop the g at the end of everything.
i got my new library card from berkeley public!!!!!!!!!!! and guess what: it's tie dyed!! yes, YOU CAN choose a tie dye pattern honoring the legacy of hippies! red, green, blue, yellow swirls adorn my new card. and i spent many happy hours there yesterday and today. i love libraries. one of the first thing i always do when i move anywhere: find the closest library!
it's only 5 blocks from my house!
i moved in with a burner couple who are way cool. we camped together in 07 and this year too, and they'd come to a party at my house. i don't know them well, but i like their vibe. the woman of the couple has really clear boundaries and an amazing way of putting rich concepts into words. i'm loving getting to know them. her partner walks around nekkid at home so i've gotten to brag to my friends and fam that i'm living in a half naked hippie commune (either delighting......or horrifying them and confirming their worst fears about what would happen to me if i moved to cali! ha!)
at first i was shocked. then i realized, hell, this is why i moved to cali: to BE SHOCKED out of my southern complacency and hum drum living. now i just feel happy to see him so comfortable in his own skin!
it's really messy and cluttered here but they are way laid back about it. at first i thought it would drive me crazy and not be a good fit. but i like them so much that i tend to just overlook it now. i'm not sure i could handle it forever but for now it works. i'm a huge slob in my car but in my home i tend to be neat and organized.
however, i'm a hoarder and i come from generations of hoarders so i recognize their addiction. there is stuff EVERYWHERE! but they are very non-judgmental about my shit and my stuff being everywhere so it's all good. and i feel very grateful for this opportunity!
this housing fell into my lap just when i needed it most. i had just found out about my landlord attempting to illegally evict me from the place where i was living before i went off traveling -it's been confirmed to be illegal! met with a lawyer who specializes in landlord/tenant law- when i met up with them at the burner party and they told me about this place.
that was just a week and a half ago! i can't believe all i've lived through in such a short amount of time!
curses: last saturday i had to go get all my stuff from my condo. i found the tenants had stolen much of my furniture and other belongings, and they'd trashed the place. they argued with me and my movers over my own stuff - truly amazing shit! the lady started threatening to throw us out while we were moving my stuff even though i'd waited patiently and foregone accepting an out of town consulting gig just to accommodate her schedule!
i'd asked a friend to come along and be a witness. i honestly thought it would all go down okay since i'd warned the subtenants that i was bringing a camera and a witness to document their shitty behavior. i figured they'd be well behaved on camera and with my friends around.
but noooooooooo, she actually started throwing my furniture around and blocking our way by stacking up stuff in the hall so it would take us longer and cost me more (caught on film!!!) and threatening all kinds of crazy shit** while we were trying to pack up. i called the police AGAIN!!!!!!!! on her. it was truly amazing the way she lied and tried to get them on her side.
i told the police she'd hidden my furniture in her car in the garage and locked it up so i couldn't get it. they wouldn't even bother to come look; they said it was a civil matter and that i'd have to sue. which i'm doing. it's just amazing to me what shitty people can get away with!!!!!!!!! at least i have photographic evidence!
then i found out the other roommate (who'd trashed the property as well and stopped paying rent) was going around spreading lies that i had "kidnapped his cat and held him hostage." this is truly outlandish.
he had left his cat abandoned while he worked long hours and left town. the cat was so sick that the other renters had had to pay to take him to the vet since he refused. the poor cats eyes were running so bad and were so infected that one was glued shut! the litter box was overflowing, and the smell was so bad his housemates were refusing to pay rent since they alleged they had to spend the night elsewhere.
so when i arranged to take the cat to a no-kill shelter, he started.........well, trouble! amazing how crappy people can treat their own pets but if you intervene on behalf of the animal, they shoot the messenger! i found out he'd done this so many times before in colorado that his former roommate had the exact same situation with him!
i will NEVER trust another person like him again! i have learned my lesson!
blessings: i am walking my new neighborhood and loving it. there are really cool shops close by and banks and BART and grocery stores within walking distance. i've been walking 3 miles a day for over 10 years now so i'm in good shape to get wherever i need to go.
i found a million stores which cater to new americans (a more inclusive term for immigrants) of middle eastern or south asian countries. there are posters for persian, pakistani, iraqui, and indian cultural events everywhere. that's exciting to me. i love meeting and befriending new americans. like my parents before me, i have always been involved in immigrant outreach and have benefitted from knowing people all over the world.
when i was a kid growing up, my parents would always invite international students from local universities and visitors from all over the globe (friends of friends or colleagues) to our large welcoming home. dad and mom would help them find jobs, tutor them in english, and mom would cook southern meals for them and try to learn their language and how to cook their favorite dishes. i loved it. i never thought of it as unusual.
(now i look back on all the africans we had in our home growing up and all the cross cultural friendships we made and realize that was very uncommon for the south in the 60's!)
anyway, it just makes me really happy to be in such an international city. i have always loved berkeley! long before i visited here it was a symbol for me of the power of community organizing, of youth rising up to fight an overpowering and unjust military dictatorships: our own imperial presidents!
i was thrilled that my son took a tour of cal berkeley uni when we visited the bay area as a family for the first time. and my daughters and i have since found many favorite "root locations" here: internet cafes, thrift stores, used book shops, parks.
curses: car trubs force me to walk and bike; and i don't have enough money to replace my car till i sell my house in the spring. but i'm excited about learning more about car-free culture and bike culture. there is no better place in the world to do that than berkeley!!!!!!!! in fact, one of the first people who befriended me here - a fascinating man my father's age, a community advocate and architect for affordable housing - educated me about the car-free culture movement. so i should call him up again!
last night, my lover was telling me about the european "slow" movement which values centuries old city planning around pedestrians - rather than the car dominant culture like the america of post WWII. (i'd known of the slow food movement and practiced it myself.)
and i'd already been researching scooters for months so i didn't feel as horrible as i thought i would when i had to say goodbye to my trusty little corolla who'd taken me everywhere. i've loved her well and will miss her sporty red, progressive bumper stickered, knocked about frame. but it feels almost cathartic to let her go. maintaining a car in san francisco is EXPENSIVE!!!!!!!!!!
i'm so happy tonight.
even though last week was one of the worst of my life, good things are coming my way.
curse: the illegal eviction and threats from the tenants and landlord were causing my IBS and PTSD to really act up! especially since i'm very frightened of lawsuits and lawyers and courtrooms due to my ex's nonstop legal battering. but i was brave, researched the law, asked the lawyer a million questions, and documented EVERYTHING! and i feel confident about everything turning out okay. so my health is gradually improving through meditation, stress reduction exercises, healthy outdoor walks, and lots of great sex.
plus, my loverman and my boyfriend have just continued to be so amazingly supportive.
the persian and i live so close now to each other's neighborhoods (AND we're making up for lost time while i was on the road) that he comes to see me every couple of nights and we have wild wonderful fanfuckingtastic sex till the wee hours.
his wife's out of town*** so we're hanging out at their place all this weekend and next week. we're going to have another day of the feast of all senses. (we have our own private holidays that he just makes up. yesterday was cupcake wednesday and he brought me my favorite: chocolate!) next weekend, he's taking me to a burner halloween party in marin at some fabu artist's beach house. it lasts all weekend, plus we're going to madonna's concert next weekend too! i'm soooo excited! madonna's one of my biggest sheroes; even if she is a bitch. every woman needs to pull out her inner bitch more often. (and what other woman can take as much credit for putting kinky sex and women's assertive sexual pleasure at the forefront of popular culture, fashion and lyrics!!!!!!!!)
and my sweetie, my boyfriend, has called me each day to encourage me. he's been on the road again with his band. a long distance relationship suits me fine. i miss him but i can have my (cup)cake and eat it too!
tuesday night, the my new burner housemates took me to a poly potluck. and i got hit on by a lot of guys (none of whom interest me but it did my self esteem good.) it was at a beautiful house in the hills overlooking the bay. awesome hottubbing under the stars in their gorgeous back yard too.
life is soooooooooo damn sweet!
*note: i didn't say "because of" suffering. i've spent decades developing my theology/philosophy of suffering and i don't believe we cause it nor do i believe that some god or force is looking out for us. i believe suffering is random and i reject the notion prevalent in much of buddhism, christianity, islam and new age that we cause our own suffering. to believe that, you'd have to believe that women, children, the poor, sexual minorities, the disabled, and people of color deserve more suffering and that's just bullshit.
** i had told her to please hold my mail for me since next week is my birthday and my friends and family always sends cards and presents and checks. she actually said in front of my movers (and witnesses) that she'd throw out my mail. what kind of cruel person won't keep your birthday card from your own mother for you! what a crazy freak!
***we're not cheaters; we're both in an open relationship. (: yippeeeeeeeeeee!
i can blog again!
i've been dying to blog but i've been crazy busy and the house i moved into has very limited connectivity sooooooooooooooo.........i had all this stuff all bottled up inside me and no where to put it!
yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i've been going through pure unmitigated hell lately so i've been trying to find the blessings in all this. i hate pollyanna theology and am a confirmed atheist. but i do believe in finding the good things that come after* suffering.
blessin's: (that's the way we say it down south, we generally drop the g at the end of everything.
i got my new library card from berkeley public!!!!!!!!!!! and guess what: it's tie dyed!! yes, YOU CAN choose a tie dye pattern honoring the legacy of hippies! red, green, blue, yellow swirls adorn my new card. and i spent many happy hours there yesterday and today. i love libraries. one of the first thing i always do when i move anywhere: find the closest library!
it's only 5 blocks from my house!
i moved in with a burner couple who are way cool. we camped together in 07 and this year too, and they'd come to a party at my house. i don't know them well, but i like their vibe. the woman of the couple has really clear boundaries and an amazing way of putting rich concepts into words. i'm loving getting to know them. her partner walks around nekkid at home so i've gotten to brag to my friends and fam that i'm living in a half naked hippie commune (either delighting......or horrifying them and confirming their worst fears about what would happen to me if i moved to cali! ha!)
at first i was shocked. then i realized, hell, this is why i moved to cali: to BE SHOCKED out of my southern complacency and hum drum living. now i just feel happy to see him so comfortable in his own skin!
it's really messy and cluttered here but they are way laid back about it. at first i thought it would drive me crazy and not be a good fit. but i like them so much that i tend to just overlook it now. i'm not sure i could handle it forever but for now it works. i'm a huge slob in my car but in my home i tend to be neat and organized.
however, i'm a hoarder and i come from generations of hoarders so i recognize their addiction. there is stuff EVERYWHERE! but they are very non-judgmental about my shit and my stuff being everywhere so it's all good. and i feel very grateful for this opportunity!
this housing fell into my lap just when i needed it most. i had just found out about my landlord attempting to illegally evict me from the place where i was living before i went off traveling -it's been confirmed to be illegal! met with a lawyer who specializes in landlord/tenant law- when i met up with them at the burner party and they told me about this place.
that was just a week and a half ago! i can't believe all i've lived through in such a short amount of time!
curses: last saturday i had to go get all my stuff from my condo. i found the tenants had stolen much of my furniture and other belongings, and they'd trashed the place. they argued with me and my movers over my own stuff - truly amazing shit! the lady started threatening to throw us out while we were moving my stuff even though i'd waited patiently and foregone accepting an out of town consulting gig just to accommodate her schedule!
i'd asked a friend to come along and be a witness. i honestly thought it would all go down okay since i'd warned the subtenants that i was bringing a camera and a witness to document their shitty behavior. i figured they'd be well behaved on camera and with my friends around.
but noooooooooo, she actually started throwing my furniture around and blocking our way by stacking up stuff in the hall so it would take us longer and cost me more (caught on film!!!) and threatening all kinds of crazy shit** while we were trying to pack up. i called the police AGAIN!!!!!!!! on her. it was truly amazing the way she lied and tried to get them on her side.
i told the police she'd hidden my furniture in her car in the garage and locked it up so i couldn't get it. they wouldn't even bother to come look; they said it was a civil matter and that i'd have to sue. which i'm doing. it's just amazing to me what shitty people can get away with!!!!!!!!! at least i have photographic evidence!
then i found out the other roommate (who'd trashed the property as well and stopped paying rent) was going around spreading lies that i had "kidnapped his cat and held him hostage." this is truly outlandish.
he had left his cat abandoned while he worked long hours and left town. the cat was so sick that the other renters had had to pay to take him to the vet since he refused. the poor cats eyes were running so bad and were so infected that one was glued shut! the litter box was overflowing, and the smell was so bad his housemates were refusing to pay rent since they alleged they had to spend the night elsewhere.
so when i arranged to take the cat to a no-kill shelter, he started.........well, trouble! amazing how crappy people can treat their own pets but if you intervene on behalf of the animal, they shoot the messenger! i found out he'd done this so many times before in colorado that his former roommate had the exact same situation with him!
i will NEVER trust another person like him again! i have learned my lesson!
blessings: i am walking my new neighborhood and loving it. there are really cool shops close by and banks and BART and grocery stores within walking distance. i've been walking 3 miles a day for over 10 years now so i'm in good shape to get wherever i need to go.
i found a million stores which cater to new americans (a more inclusive term for immigrants) of middle eastern or south asian countries. there are posters for persian, pakistani, iraqui, and indian cultural events everywhere. that's exciting to me. i love meeting and befriending new americans. like my parents before me, i have always been involved in immigrant outreach and have benefitted from knowing people all over the world.
when i was a kid growing up, my parents would always invite international students from local universities and visitors from all over the globe (friends of friends or colleagues) to our large welcoming home. dad and mom would help them find jobs, tutor them in english, and mom would cook southern meals for them and try to learn their language and how to cook their favorite dishes. i loved it. i never thought of it as unusual.
(now i look back on all the africans we had in our home growing up and all the cross cultural friendships we made and realize that was very uncommon for the south in the 60's!)
anyway, it just makes me really happy to be in such an international city. i have always loved berkeley! long before i visited here it was a symbol for me of the power of community organizing, of youth rising up to fight an overpowering and unjust military dictatorships: our own imperial presidents!
i was thrilled that my son took a tour of cal berkeley uni when we visited the bay area as a family for the first time. and my daughters and i have since found many favorite "root locations" here: internet cafes, thrift stores, used book shops, parks.
curses: car trubs force me to walk and bike; and i don't have enough money to replace my car till i sell my house in the spring. but i'm excited about learning more about car-free culture and bike culture. there is no better place in the world to do that than berkeley!!!!!!!! in fact, one of the first people who befriended me here - a fascinating man my father's age, a community advocate and architect for affordable housing - educated me about the car-free culture movement. so i should call him up again!
last night, my lover was telling me about the european "slow" movement which values centuries old city planning around pedestrians - rather than the car dominant culture like the america of post WWII. (i'd known of the slow food movement and practiced it myself.)
and i'd already been researching scooters for months so i didn't feel as horrible as i thought i would when i had to say goodbye to my trusty little corolla who'd taken me everywhere. i've loved her well and will miss her sporty red, progressive bumper stickered, knocked about frame. but it feels almost cathartic to let her go. maintaining a car in san francisco is EXPENSIVE!!!!!!!!!!
i'm so happy tonight.
even though last week was one of the worst of my life, good things are coming my way.
curse: the illegal eviction and threats from the tenants and landlord were causing my IBS and PTSD to really act up! especially since i'm very frightened of lawsuits and lawyers and courtrooms due to my ex's nonstop legal battering. but i was brave, researched the law, asked the lawyer a million questions, and documented EVERYTHING! and i feel confident about everything turning out okay. so my health is gradually improving through meditation, stress reduction exercises, healthy outdoor walks, and lots of great sex.
plus, my loverman and my boyfriend have just continued to be so amazingly supportive.
the persian and i live so close now to each other's neighborhoods (AND we're making up for lost time while i was on the road) that he comes to see me every couple of nights and we have wild wonderful fanfuckingtastic sex till the wee hours.
his wife's out of town*** so we're hanging out at their place all this weekend and next week. we're going to have another day of the feast of all senses. (we have our own private holidays that he just makes up. yesterday was cupcake wednesday and he brought me my favorite: chocolate!) next weekend, he's taking me to a burner halloween party in marin at some fabu artist's beach house. it lasts all weekend, plus we're going to madonna's concert next weekend too! i'm soooo excited! madonna's one of my biggest sheroes; even if she is a bitch. every woman needs to pull out her inner bitch more often. (and what other woman can take as much credit for putting kinky sex and women's assertive sexual pleasure at the forefront of popular culture, fashion and lyrics!!!!!!!!)
and my sweetie, my boyfriend, has called me each day to encourage me. he's been on the road again with his band. a long distance relationship suits me fine. i miss him but i can have my (cup)cake and eat it too!
tuesday night, the my new burner housemates took me to a poly potluck. and i got hit on by a lot of guys (none of whom interest me but it did my self esteem good.) it was at a beautiful house in the hills overlooking the bay. awesome hottubbing under the stars in their gorgeous back yard too.
life is soooooooooo damn sweet!
*note: i didn't say "because of" suffering. i've spent decades developing my theology/philosophy of suffering and i don't believe we cause it nor do i believe that some god or force is looking out for us. i believe suffering is random and i reject the notion prevalent in much of buddhism, christianity, islam and new age that we cause our own suffering. to believe that, you'd have to believe that women, children, the poor, sexual minorities, the disabled, and people of color deserve more suffering and that's just bullshit.
** i had told her to please hold my mail for me since next week is my birthday and my friends and family always sends cards and presents and checks. she actually said in front of my movers (and witnesses) that she'd throw out my mail. what kind of cruel person won't keep your birthday card from your own mother for you! what a crazy freak!
***we're not cheaters; we're both in an open relationship. (: yippeeeeeeeeeee!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
meltdown and revival
wow! kindness makes all the difference in the world!
i feel 1000% better.
yesterday, i had a huge emotional meltdown from all the stress of the eviction (for my subtenant/roommates who wouldn't pay rent.) and my sweet boyfriend (ok, we broke up a few weeks ago but he wants me back and is calling me constantly and writing me and i'm considering it) was just fucking amazing! he's so fucking supportive!!!!!!!! good god, he's a good man!
and my current lover was a huge help!
i just admitted that i was just way too stressed to deal with all the shit going down from my subtenants! it's so hard to cope with them fucking me over. i try to be honest and do the right thing; since i was raised to be a really good christian, following the ten commandments just comes really easy to me even though i'm an atheist buddhist now. so it still blows my mind when people just lie to your face and steal from you! and threaten you.
the subtenants sent me many emails saying they had contacted the police and would press charges if i attempted to get my stuff from the house. "press charges for what?!" my boyfriend demanded. "it's your stuff! and they're not paying rent!"
i'm truly frightened of my subtenants now since they've behaved in such insane ways.
i've been a landlord for my own property for 10 years now and i helped run my parents rental property business when i was still in high school! so i know what crazy tenants act like. i swear in cali, they are even more fucked up than anywhere. i've never been treated like this in my whole life!
i'm still reeling from shock!
so yesterday morning i just had a major meltdown since my landlord isn't helping me and is making my life much harder by trying to evict me for their shit.
i figured out she made a back door deal with them to sell them the place and that's why she's willing to shaft me for the money which they owe instead of pursuing getting it from them or at least helping me get it from them. she's a piece of work. i'm still just astounded at how people will cheat you over money. i would never do that to anyone so it still amazes me that people can live with themselves after failing to follow the golden rule!
anyway, my sweet boyfriend talked me down from the ledge, and he and my lover loaned me some money (till my next payday) to rent a new place here in berkeley. (i was hemmorhaging money from having to come back in town and having no place to stay or cook or park while i deal with the subtenants).
this means i'll have to stay here in the bay area and forego WWOOFing just now since i've got to deal with all the court dates, meet with lawyers, file papers, etc. etc. etc.
good lord, wears me out just thinking about it!
plus, i was so worried sick by monday night that i didn't sleep but 2 hours. i was awake till 5 am worrying over getting an eviction on my record! and trying to figure out how to motivate the tenants to pay the fucking rent, dammit! they have more money than me and they are trying to outlast me but i'm crafty and an extremely good researcher.
nothing like getting sued by your ex over custody every year to make you pretty savvy in a legal library. so, while lawsuits are uberstressful and horrible, at least i know the terrain!
my new friend, linda, is such a total sweetheart!!!!!!!! she and jason and i are active with the bay area bi network and they have hosted me during my weekend trips back to the bay area while i've been on the road for the last 2 months.
today she called a friend of hers from unity church who works with nolo press. it's a publisher (and networking org) which specializes in low cost legal info. linda fucking rocks! we drove over to nolo and out came one of their top people who GAVE me 2 books worth $75 on california landlord/tenant law. (i promptly made a donation to nolo!)
i've considered purchasing rental property out here so i need to familiarize myself with the laws anyway, not just for this case. plus, since i used to be a public policy wonk, i actually enjoy reading legal tomes. go figure!
i think it's the fundamentalist in me. if you grow up being forced to go to bible class for an hour every day and argue ridiculously inane religious law for days on end, (weeks, years even) you pretty much are set to make a good lawyer.
i loathe lawyers, except for public interest ones.
but i do love to read case law!
my sweet lover took me out to dinner last night and cheered me up; he can make me laugh so easily! i just adore him. he just lets me cry on his shoulder and he just holds me and tells me he loves me and that i'm full of light and love and how beautiful i am and how it's all gonna work out for the best.
and the cool couple i hooked up with at the burner decom party accepted me as their new housemate with no downpayment or deposit. and i can rent month to month so i can still do my housesitting gig in nevada city next month. yay! i love going there!
which means i have no rent to pay from tgiving to christmas. which means i can spend all my moolah on my kids! and my dear sweet momma.
yay!
and my awesome ex-boyfriend called me each hour to check on me and gave me multiple pep talks and told me he'd do anything for me. he's so good to me.
and i love my new housemates. they are cool former one tasters and they are kinky, poly, and i suspect bisexual. whooohooo! which means that i didn't have to be embarrassed when my strap-on fell out of my moving boxes. ha!
and i love my new room!!!!!!!
it's a sunny cream color with the palest yellow in it. it faces east, my fave direction to face in a bedroom. i love to wake up with the sun streaming in on me. and tonight the full moon rose right in my window!
and i loooooooooooooooooove berkeley. it's the brokely part of berkeley kinda.
but i much prefer mulitculti hoods to boring ass all white 'burbs!
today, some boys were in front of the house while i was moving in. (i haven't unpacked my car since well before burning man!) and they offered to help. they were the cutest little school boys on their bikes. all different ethnicities. all of 'em around 10 years old. the leader, a young african american cutie with bitchin sunglasses, was a real go getter. he strode right up to me and asked me if i needed help moving in. hell, i remember being 10 and needing money for candy and what not, so even though i'm broke as hell, i said, "sure!" and he organized the boys and they all helped.
so i paid him and he looked proud when he rode off to join his friends.
his buddy had a kickass bike with a homemade paint job so i told them about the bike workshop at crucible. turns out the ringleader had been there. i hope i run into them again. they are all my new neighbors now. yay!
i'm going to bed on my new furniture. the owners set me up with bookshelves, a large futon, and a dresser.
i'm at peace even in the middle of the storm. i think i can rest now.
goddess, bless my friends!!!!!!!!!!!!
i feel 1000% better.
yesterday, i had a huge emotional meltdown from all the stress of the eviction (for my subtenant/roommates who wouldn't pay rent.) and my sweet boyfriend (ok, we broke up a few weeks ago but he wants me back and is calling me constantly and writing me and i'm considering it) was just fucking amazing! he's so fucking supportive!!!!!!!! good god, he's a good man!
and my current lover was a huge help!
i just admitted that i was just way too stressed to deal with all the shit going down from my subtenants! it's so hard to cope with them fucking me over. i try to be honest and do the right thing; since i was raised to be a really good christian, following the ten commandments just comes really easy to me even though i'm an atheist buddhist now. so it still blows my mind when people just lie to your face and steal from you! and threaten you.
the subtenants sent me many emails saying they had contacted the police and would press charges if i attempted to get my stuff from the house. "press charges for what?!" my boyfriend demanded. "it's your stuff! and they're not paying rent!"
i'm truly frightened of my subtenants now since they've behaved in such insane ways.
i've been a landlord for my own property for 10 years now and i helped run my parents rental property business when i was still in high school! so i know what crazy tenants act like. i swear in cali, they are even more fucked up than anywhere. i've never been treated like this in my whole life!
i'm still reeling from shock!
so yesterday morning i just had a major meltdown since my landlord isn't helping me and is making my life much harder by trying to evict me for their shit.
i figured out she made a back door deal with them to sell them the place and that's why she's willing to shaft me for the money which they owe instead of pursuing getting it from them or at least helping me get it from them. she's a piece of work. i'm still just astounded at how people will cheat you over money. i would never do that to anyone so it still amazes me that people can live with themselves after failing to follow the golden rule!
anyway, my sweet boyfriend talked me down from the ledge, and he and my lover loaned me some money (till my next payday) to rent a new place here in berkeley. (i was hemmorhaging money from having to come back in town and having no place to stay or cook or park while i deal with the subtenants).
this means i'll have to stay here in the bay area and forego WWOOFing just now since i've got to deal with all the court dates, meet with lawyers, file papers, etc. etc. etc.
good lord, wears me out just thinking about it!
plus, i was so worried sick by monday night that i didn't sleep but 2 hours. i was awake till 5 am worrying over getting an eviction on my record! and trying to figure out how to motivate the tenants to pay the fucking rent, dammit! they have more money than me and they are trying to outlast me but i'm crafty and an extremely good researcher.
nothing like getting sued by your ex over custody every year to make you pretty savvy in a legal library. so, while lawsuits are uberstressful and horrible, at least i know the terrain!
my new friend, linda, is such a total sweetheart!!!!!!!! she and jason and i are active with the bay area bi network and they have hosted me during my weekend trips back to the bay area while i've been on the road for the last 2 months.
today she called a friend of hers from unity church who works with nolo press. it's a publisher (and networking org) which specializes in low cost legal info. linda fucking rocks! we drove over to nolo and out came one of their top people who GAVE me 2 books worth $75 on california landlord/tenant law. (i promptly made a donation to nolo!)
i've considered purchasing rental property out here so i need to familiarize myself with the laws anyway, not just for this case. plus, since i used to be a public policy wonk, i actually enjoy reading legal tomes. go figure!
i think it's the fundamentalist in me. if you grow up being forced to go to bible class for an hour every day and argue ridiculously inane religious law for days on end, (weeks, years even) you pretty much are set to make a good lawyer.
i loathe lawyers, except for public interest ones.
but i do love to read case law!
my sweet lover took me out to dinner last night and cheered me up; he can make me laugh so easily! i just adore him. he just lets me cry on his shoulder and he just holds me and tells me he loves me and that i'm full of light and love and how beautiful i am and how it's all gonna work out for the best.
and the cool couple i hooked up with at the burner decom party accepted me as their new housemate with no downpayment or deposit. and i can rent month to month so i can still do my housesitting gig in nevada city next month. yay! i love going there!
which means i have no rent to pay from tgiving to christmas. which means i can spend all my moolah on my kids! and my dear sweet momma.
yay!
and my awesome ex-boyfriend called me each hour to check on me and gave me multiple pep talks and told me he'd do anything for me. he's so good to me.
and i love my new housemates. they are cool former one tasters and they are kinky, poly, and i suspect bisexual. whooohooo! which means that i didn't have to be embarrassed when my strap-on fell out of my moving boxes. ha!
and i love my new room!!!!!!!
it's a sunny cream color with the palest yellow in it. it faces east, my fave direction to face in a bedroom. i love to wake up with the sun streaming in on me. and tonight the full moon rose right in my window!
and i loooooooooooooooooove berkeley. it's the brokely part of berkeley kinda.
but i much prefer mulitculti hoods to boring ass all white 'burbs!
today, some boys were in front of the house while i was moving in. (i haven't unpacked my car since well before burning man!) and they offered to help. they were the cutest little school boys on their bikes. all different ethnicities. all of 'em around 10 years old. the leader, a young african american cutie with bitchin sunglasses, was a real go getter. he strode right up to me and asked me if i needed help moving in. hell, i remember being 10 and needing money for candy and what not, so even though i'm broke as hell, i said, "sure!" and he organized the boys and they all helped.
so i paid him and he looked proud when he rode off to join his friends.
his buddy had a kickass bike with a homemade paint job so i told them about the bike workshop at crucible. turns out the ringleader had been there. i hope i run into them again. they are all my new neighbors now. yay!
i'm going to bed on my new furniture. the owners set me up with bookshelves, a large futon, and a dresser.
i'm at peace even in the middle of the storm. i think i can rest now.
goddess, bless my friends!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, October 13, 2008
how he fucked me - today
i love documenting my adventures. it gives me hope during hard times.
i snuck my lover into the hostel tonight. (he'd been feeling hurt and rejected and i adore him.)
you are seriously not supposed to do that.
i waited till the 3 british girls were at dinner. (i had suggested a restaurant and shopping area which i knew would take them at least a couple of hours and off they went!)
i planned his exit (if they showed up early) by scoping out the fire escape and the adjacent empty rooms with their open windows.
i'd brought my condoms and lube and carefully hidden them by my (bunk!) bed.
well, of course we were in flagrante delicto when one came back early. she turned out to be irish, not a friend of the others at all, unlike what i'd assumed. and she caught me, head between my lovers legs, and vice versa. oh, how very civilized!
the strangest thing happened. i was NOT terribly embarrassed. (my mother would seriously die of a coronary if she knew her southern belle was up to this amount of no good.)
i decided i'd rather get thrown out of the hostel than lose a good fuck. so i gambled my $25 a night bed on the fact that she wouldn't tell. and she discreetly went into the bathroom and started the shower while we finished.
except that she didn't take very long. so we weren't quite finished.
we were just both coming as she came back in. and my lover knows i make noise so he had his hands over my mouth trying to hide my gasps. well, that set me to giggling.
so here we have this innocent college girl (climbing above us on her bunk) whom i'm assuming is asexual since all she seems to do is read the koran and go to bed early, while my lover's hard on is tenting the sheets and i can't quit laughing.
we decided if she was game, we were, so we finished. ah, what a finish! never came so very hard from that position! (ass fucking is a brilliant invention! hits the back of the g spot if you do it right!)
i seriously could not stop laughing for a good long time. he left - after lots of naked scrambling around the room to grab his clothes and mooning "the good little muslim" as he called her - which is truly ironic since he jokingly calls himself a good little muslim boy when he's performing a particularly perverse sexual act which delights me. he was raised fundaMENTAList too though in iran so we have our intimate jokes about what our mothers told us would send us straight to hell!
i then explained to the irish girl that we'd been apart for several months while i was on the road and we barely had time to see each other before i left again. i promised he wouldn't be back and i apologized within an inch of my life.
she started laughing too and explained that if her boyfriend was here from ireland, she'd be doing the same thing so not to feel bad. what a sweetheart!!!!!!!!!
what a relief!
i snuck my lover into the hostel tonight. (he'd been feeling hurt and rejected and i adore him.)
you are seriously not supposed to do that.
i waited till the 3 british girls were at dinner. (i had suggested a restaurant and shopping area which i knew would take them at least a couple of hours and off they went!)
i planned his exit (if they showed up early) by scoping out the fire escape and the adjacent empty rooms with their open windows.
i'd brought my condoms and lube and carefully hidden them by my (bunk!) bed.
well, of course we were in flagrante delicto when one came back early. she turned out to be irish, not a friend of the others at all, unlike what i'd assumed. and she caught me, head between my lovers legs, and vice versa. oh, how very civilized!
the strangest thing happened. i was NOT terribly embarrassed. (my mother would seriously die of a coronary if she knew her southern belle was up to this amount of no good.)
i decided i'd rather get thrown out of the hostel than lose a good fuck. so i gambled my $25 a night bed on the fact that she wouldn't tell. and she discreetly went into the bathroom and started the shower while we finished.
except that she didn't take very long. so we weren't quite finished.
we were just both coming as she came back in. and my lover knows i make noise so he had his hands over my mouth trying to hide my gasps. well, that set me to giggling.
so here we have this innocent college girl (climbing above us on her bunk) whom i'm assuming is asexual since all she seems to do is read the koran and go to bed early, while my lover's hard on is tenting the sheets and i can't quit laughing.
we decided if she was game, we were, so we finished. ah, what a finish! never came so very hard from that position! (ass fucking is a brilliant invention! hits the back of the g spot if you do it right!)
i seriously could not stop laughing for a good long time. he left - after lots of naked scrambling around the room to grab his clothes and mooning "the good little muslim" as he called her - which is truly ironic since he jokingly calls himself a good little muslim boy when he's performing a particularly perverse sexual act which delights me. he was raised fundaMENTAList too though in iran so we have our intimate jokes about what our mothers told us would send us straight to hell!
i then explained to the irish girl that we'd been apart for several months while i was on the road and we barely had time to see each other before i left again. i promised he wouldn't be back and i apologized within an inch of my life.
she started laughing too and explained that if her boyfriend was here from ireland, she'd be doing the same thing so not to feel bad. what a sweetheart!!!!!!!!!
what a relief!
bloggerrhea
*late night update: ohmygod! i just got another message from an old high school buddy who looked up my email on the reunion website. he just told me he'd carried a torch for me all through high school and i never knew. wtf? and he told me all these really sweet things he'd thought about me over the years!
(i decided to come out to him and banish his hopes of a mid-life fling - he was asking for photos and my current hometown. he's probably still a fundaMENTAList and i kinda adore shocking them.)
i'm broke, middle aged, wrinkled, and i'm 40 more pounds than i was in college. but i do love myself and i love life. maybe that's the best aphrodesiac!
i like how my lovers can call my bluff and really nail me to the wall and get me to mature more rapidly than i would prefer.
my persian overheard me on the phone talking to my reunion friends who'd called. he said, "honey, you still care what they think, don't you." (i'd decided to just go ahead and come out on the phone to my child hood friends.)
and he was right! why on earth, after 30 years do i still care if my small town friends accept me the way i am? why should it matter? i think it's because i grew up in such a sheltered environment thinking that the entire world revolved around whether they approved of you or not, that it's still hard to shirk those feelings of inadequacy.
if people tell you during your entire upbringing that your value as a girl depends on if you are beautiful and popular and making all As, you're bound to get a little fucked up.
(i came from a long line of beauty queens and cheerleaders who weren't content to be just cute. no, they had to go and be valedictorians too! or the first female pharmacist in the state or the most sought after speaker on the circuit and the first labor organizer in the church or........ad nauseum!) to this day, i still think i got bad grades and when people find out my gpa, they laugh! i got almost all As. but since Bs counted for nothing, and Cs were shameful, it feels like i must still try to be perfect.
i'm struggling too with the shame of poverty. i still often dress middle class, i speak middle class, i buy in middle class neighborhoods, but i left the respectable middle class over a decade ago when i fell into poverty after my divorce! my trans girlfriend nailed me on it. she too comes from respectable middle class which refused to accept her transition from male gender assignment to female actuality.
so she confronts me every now and then on my clinging to middle class ways for advantage.
i really struggle with class (natch) struggle! i was volunteering with my parents in public housing by the time i could toddle. i taught countless poor inner city kids to read throughout middle school as a peer tutor and i was leading low income neighborhood improvement projects by the time i was in high school.
but i realized that until i lost all my money and privilege, i had no fucking clue what poor people had been going through. i still struggle with the guilt of southern white privilege. as soon as i saw the astounding poverty of brooklyn and the bronx (during my summer job in college) on my home visits to my clients, i changed majors and became a social worker.
but i had no clue what it would be like to be on the other side until lately as i've wandered the mission, not sure if i had enough money to make it till the end of the month.
i'm thankful for bell hooks who taught me that race, gender and class are all hopelessly intertwined. that privilege and oppression is a hard egg to unscramble.
but i still feel unbelievable sadness at all the struggle around me on the faces in the mission or the tenderloin.
i think that what i'm being taught through my hard times is this: when i had privilege, i could maintain the illusion which pema chodron talks about in her amazing buddhist essays, of otherness. i could be the helper, they were the clients.
now it's just all of us struggling down here together. i've learned the hard way that money truly doesn't buy you happiness. freedom and authenticity do.
money just gives you a really nice cushion to fall on.
(i decided to come out to him and banish his hopes of a mid-life fling - he was asking for photos and my current hometown. he's probably still a fundaMENTAList and i kinda adore shocking them.)
i'm broke, middle aged, wrinkled, and i'm 40 more pounds than i was in college. but i do love myself and i love life. maybe that's the best aphrodesiac!
i like how my lovers can call my bluff and really nail me to the wall and get me to mature more rapidly than i would prefer.
my persian overheard me on the phone talking to my reunion friends who'd called. he said, "honey, you still care what they think, don't you." (i'd decided to just go ahead and come out on the phone to my child hood friends.)
and he was right! why on earth, after 30 years do i still care if my small town friends accept me the way i am? why should it matter? i think it's because i grew up in such a sheltered environment thinking that the entire world revolved around whether they approved of you or not, that it's still hard to shirk those feelings of inadequacy.
if people tell you during your entire upbringing that your value as a girl depends on if you are beautiful and popular and making all As, you're bound to get a little fucked up.
(i came from a long line of beauty queens and cheerleaders who weren't content to be just cute. no, they had to go and be valedictorians too! or the first female pharmacist in the state or the most sought after speaker on the circuit and the first labor organizer in the church or........ad nauseum!) to this day, i still think i got bad grades and when people find out my gpa, they laugh! i got almost all As. but since Bs counted for nothing, and Cs were shameful, it feels like i must still try to be perfect.
i'm struggling too with the shame of poverty. i still often dress middle class, i speak middle class, i buy in middle class neighborhoods, but i left the respectable middle class over a decade ago when i fell into poverty after my divorce! my trans girlfriend nailed me on it. she too comes from respectable middle class which refused to accept her transition from male gender assignment to female actuality.
so she confronts me every now and then on my clinging to middle class ways for advantage.
i really struggle with class (natch) struggle! i was volunteering with my parents in public housing by the time i could toddle. i taught countless poor inner city kids to read throughout middle school as a peer tutor and i was leading low income neighborhood improvement projects by the time i was in high school.
but i realized that until i lost all my money and privilege, i had no fucking clue what poor people had been going through. i still struggle with the guilt of southern white privilege. as soon as i saw the astounding poverty of brooklyn and the bronx (during my summer job in college) on my home visits to my clients, i changed majors and became a social worker.
but i had no clue what it would be like to be on the other side until lately as i've wandered the mission, not sure if i had enough money to make it till the end of the month.
i'm thankful for bell hooks who taught me that race, gender and class are all hopelessly intertwined. that privilege and oppression is a hard egg to unscramble.
but i still feel unbelievable sadness at all the struggle around me on the faces in the mission or the tenderloin.
i think that what i'm being taught through my hard times is this: when i had privilege, i could maintain the illusion which pema chodron talks about in her amazing buddhist essays, of otherness. i could be the helper, they were the clients.
now it's just all of us struggling down here together. i've learned the hard way that money truly doesn't buy you happiness. freedom and authenticity do.
money just gives you a really nice cushion to fall on.
burner party!!!!!!!!!!!!! and back to the future of high school
i came back to sf just for the burner decompression party last night! and boy was it a doozy!
[the location sucked, a really nasty street, under the freeway, which smelled of sewage and was right in the middle of the dogpatch industrial neighborhood. but in a way, it's kinda cool they got thousands of burners to go down there! they have a huge clean up after party where they try to leave the nayb better than they found it. so all's good in the hood! and since i bought into an up and coming indy-turned-residential neighborhood in the south, i know how hard community groups fight to improve their neighborhoods!]
i met up with many fellow campers from polyparadise whom i adore; especially one man and his girlfriend who are one of the coolest couples i've ever met.
they came to my thanksgiving potluck last year and, even though we'd camped together, i didn't recognize them with their clothes on!
they just had a big blow up at a sexuality institute where they'd been living and working. unfortunate but i think i could have predicted it. it was one of those cult of personality places which are so popular for brief times and then go up in flames through discord.
but this couple are really evolved. we sat around for hours on thanksgiving and talked deeply about everything till the wee hours of the morning! and last night, we discussed the possibility of my renting from them in berkeley when i return to the bay area so i'm excited! i'm going for coffee with them tomorrow! can't wait!!!!!!!!
and i was very happy to see a guy i had a crush on at burning man whom i'd gotten to play with. he seemed to be happy to see me too and we got to hang out and explore the party - for both of us it was our first time. he is just simply gorgeous and is very humble - seems to have little idea of his affect on women, and a total gentleman. (and that's really rare!) i felt so thrilled when he touched my back and held my hand. just like the crushy feelings you get in high school.*
we saw the flaming lotus girls' mutopia and got to push the buttons that make it flame up! i got to whack a hammer at fandango! we ate hot fresh beignets and delicious chicken curry!
i danced my patooty off at ripe and opulent temple's deep end. amazing djs, flaming art, fabulous food, and stunningly gorgeous people and costumes!
*speaking of which, i had my 30th high school reunion this weekend. and i didn't go. it's my first time to miss it - we have it every 5 years. so my old boyfriends and my still current girlfriends all called me from the reunion!!! (i was at a movie about sex addiction with my bisexual lover - how much farther can i get from my republican religious right upbringing?)
one of them even played piano for me ON THE PHONE! i had a huge crush on him in high school. (unrequited unfortch!) he was one of the most popular guys, witty and talented. (my mom liked to brag that only he and i got incredibly high IQ scores on our tests - they called in his mom and mine to announce that we were gifted.)
i was a cheerleader, and an officer in the same club as him so we'd often travel together for sports or civic events. i remember so well him being in my hotel room, kissing another girl, and wishing it was me. but he'd written me the sweetest letter a few years ago, when my dad died and described him as a legend and a really important mentor for him. that really touched my heart.
and the first boy i ever kissed got on the phone too and called me by my intimate nickname. (my maiden name rhymed with a word for derrier and he liked mine so he made up a lewd little song about it. hahaha! he sidles up to me and sings it in my ear at every reunion! i know this is extremely shallow but since he married the head cheerleader and homecoming queen, this gives me great pleasure since it makes her jealous. wow, hard to believe i'm really that immature!)
of all the boys who proposed to me there is one that my mother just can't let go of. he inherited a family biz which made him a millionaire. my bro is his lawyer (and that made my brother a millionaire as well.) he lives in a mansion just down the street from my mom and she will sigh when we drive by and say: "you could have had all that!" i remember he took me to the top of the roof of his business after we'd dated only months in college and proposed. (he actually had told me that if i married him, i could "have all this" meaning the wealth he'd just showed off.) i was stunned! i felt like jesus being taken to the top of the mountain by satan and being offered the world. i broke up with him pronto!
instead i've chosen a life of poverty and independence. and i'm so glad!
it's still hard to believe i grew up at private schools, with horses and sailing and pools and country clubs, and then married a lawyer who became a multimillionaire and then left him for a life of poverty. i'm still truly shocked some times. especially when my finances are tight like now!
i truly have lived hand to mouth ever since my divorce. i usually have not known where my next paycheck was coming from since i'd quit any job i didn't like, to savor my independence.
i do own my house out right and my car and i have no debt so i'm actually better off than most single moms by a long shot! and my ex pays for their college and grad school (and ridiculously opulent lifestyle!) so that's good for my kids that they've never had to struggle.
but sometimes it feels so strange when i wake up in a hostel in a crime ridden neighborhood (since i can't afford a fancy hotel any more) next to three total strangers (snoring messy but adorable british girls who are half my age) and climb into a dirty shower, and then go to ride the bus with the lunatics or pick up my run down, beat up car.
i could have had everything, but i chose independence.
and i'm happy! i have my self! and that's something that none of my southern fundamentalist married women friends can say.
[the location sucked, a really nasty street, under the freeway, which smelled of sewage and was right in the middle of the dogpatch industrial neighborhood. but in a way, it's kinda cool they got thousands of burners to go down there! they have a huge clean up after party where they try to leave the nayb better than they found it. so all's good in the hood! and since i bought into an up and coming indy-turned-residential neighborhood in the south, i know how hard community groups fight to improve their neighborhoods!]
i met up with many fellow campers from polyparadise whom i adore; especially one man and his girlfriend who are one of the coolest couples i've ever met.
they came to my thanksgiving potluck last year and, even though we'd camped together, i didn't recognize them with their clothes on!
they just had a big blow up at a sexuality institute where they'd been living and working. unfortunate but i think i could have predicted it. it was one of those cult of personality places which are so popular for brief times and then go up in flames through discord.
but this couple are really evolved. we sat around for hours on thanksgiving and talked deeply about everything till the wee hours of the morning! and last night, we discussed the possibility of my renting from them in berkeley when i return to the bay area so i'm excited! i'm going for coffee with them tomorrow! can't wait!!!!!!!!
and i was very happy to see a guy i had a crush on at burning man whom i'd gotten to play with. he seemed to be happy to see me too and we got to hang out and explore the party - for both of us it was our first time. he is just simply gorgeous and is very humble - seems to have little idea of his affect on women, and a total gentleman. (and that's really rare!) i felt so thrilled when he touched my back and held my hand. just like the crushy feelings you get in high school.*
we saw the flaming lotus girls' mutopia and got to push the buttons that make it flame up! i got to whack a hammer at fandango! we ate hot fresh beignets and delicious chicken curry!
i danced my patooty off at ripe and opulent temple's deep end. amazing djs, flaming art, fabulous food, and stunningly gorgeous people and costumes!
*speaking of which, i had my 30th high school reunion this weekend. and i didn't go. it's my first time to miss it - we have it every 5 years. so my old boyfriends and my still current girlfriends all called me from the reunion!!! (i was at a movie about sex addiction with my bisexual lover - how much farther can i get from my republican religious right upbringing?)
one of them even played piano for me ON THE PHONE! i had a huge crush on him in high school. (unrequited unfortch!) he was one of the most popular guys, witty and talented. (my mom liked to brag that only he and i got incredibly high IQ scores on our tests - they called in his mom and mine to announce that we were gifted.)
i was a cheerleader, and an officer in the same club as him so we'd often travel together for sports or civic events. i remember so well him being in my hotel room, kissing another girl, and wishing it was me. but he'd written me the sweetest letter a few years ago, when my dad died and described him as a legend and a really important mentor for him. that really touched my heart.
and the first boy i ever kissed got on the phone too and called me by my intimate nickname. (my maiden name rhymed with a word for derrier and he liked mine so he made up a lewd little song about it. hahaha! he sidles up to me and sings it in my ear at every reunion! i know this is extremely shallow but since he married the head cheerleader and homecoming queen, this gives me great pleasure since it makes her jealous. wow, hard to believe i'm really that immature!)
of all the boys who proposed to me there is one that my mother just can't let go of. he inherited a family biz which made him a millionaire. my bro is his lawyer (and that made my brother a millionaire as well.) he lives in a mansion just down the street from my mom and she will sigh when we drive by and say: "you could have had all that!" i remember he took me to the top of the roof of his business after we'd dated only months in college and proposed. (he actually had told me that if i married him, i could "have all this" meaning the wealth he'd just showed off.) i was stunned! i felt like jesus being taken to the top of the mountain by satan and being offered the world. i broke up with him pronto!
instead i've chosen a life of poverty and independence. and i'm so glad!
it's still hard to believe i grew up at private schools, with horses and sailing and pools and country clubs, and then married a lawyer who became a multimillionaire and then left him for a life of poverty. i'm still truly shocked some times. especially when my finances are tight like now!
i truly have lived hand to mouth ever since my divorce. i usually have not known where my next paycheck was coming from since i'd quit any job i didn't like, to savor my independence.
i do own my house out right and my car and i have no debt so i'm actually better off than most single moms by a long shot! and my ex pays for their college and grad school (and ridiculously opulent lifestyle!) so that's good for my kids that they've never had to struggle.
but sometimes it feels so strange when i wake up in a hostel in a crime ridden neighborhood (since i can't afford a fancy hotel any more) next to three total strangers (snoring messy but adorable british girls who are half my age) and climb into a dirty shower, and then go to ride the bus with the lunatics or pick up my run down, beat up car.
i could have had everything, but i chose independence.
and i'm happy! i have my self! and that's something that none of my southern fundamentalist married women friends can say.
tribe v blogger; hard times fall on the southern girl
oh my god! so much has happened since i last blogged.
i notice that on blogger, since i have no viewer controls, i don't blog about my hard times as much as my happy times.
on tribe (which i much prefer, but which is having so many difficulties keeping their doors open and consequently so many tech trubs, i gave up!) i had viewer control. i could set some blog entries to private and so only reveal my hard times to my friends.
but it seems i have no readers on here or at least none who leave comments so what the hell? why'm i proud?
i miss the reader comments i use to get on tribe!!!!!!!!!!! i had developed a loyal following and always got feedback. it feels very lonely on blogger, like i'm shouting into the wind - just whistling in the dark. but i believe that blogging has been a very healthy outlet for me so i'm keeping it up.
also, i'm really determined to create a feminist "on the road" version of traveling around cali ala kerouac.
i finally read his _big sur_ (and then toured some of his haunts, including nepenthe). a bunch of run-on sentences and drunken ramblings, but damn, he's a fascinating drunk! and he was brave enough to write about his own wretchedness and self loathing. while he struggled with extreme internalized homophobia, (hell - who didn't in the 50's?) he did write with great tenderness about his male friendships. that takes some guts!
where to start on my last 2 weeks: it's been a whirlwind of activity!
i dated a couple of guys i met in the central coast, both of whom did not get second dates. one local guy bored me to tears in between being fascinating and the other was an indian immigrant who was absolutely clueless about american dating customs. he actually said this to me: "can we do the oral now?" are you kidding me? wtf????? you'd think he was fresh off the boat but no, he'd been in this country for 3 years!!!!!!!!!! he was a young doctoral student who gave me a boring tour of the dairy department at the uni. he was besotted with me and begging to see me again after one evening. oh boy! seriously, he just needed to get out more! telling him i had a son only slightly younger than him did not put him off.
you know how guys complain that girls pressure them to call and then bitch about how they don't call after a date. well, this guy pressured me and pressured me to get together for a second date. i really hate to lie to someone and i pride myself on being honest but i must say, i lied a blue streak to this poor guy just to get rid of him.
all my life, guys have been interested in me way out of proportion to the duration to which they've known me. wtf? it's flattering to a point but after a while, it gets tiring fending off attention that you don't want. i really don't get this! i love myself but i'm no great beauty. i was always popular but learned early on that popularity only gets you so far - you really have to develop morals and a deep sense of yourself to get where you want to go.
i think, perhaps, because my dad and mom trained me in the art of conversation, and they both could make you feel as if you were the only person in the room and the most fascinating one at that - that trait got passed on to me. everyone in my family is genuinely interested in every one they meet. they are not flatterers, but they do have the gift of making other people feel at home and making them feel that they've been heard. we are good compassionate listeners in my clan.
therefore, i've developed a theory about these guys (and a few women) who just get so struck with infatuation after only a little time with me. i think they are falling in love with themselves. i think they've probably not had too many people pay close attention to them and give a crap so they confuse my kindness and genuine interest with romantic intent.
plus, i'm a hopeless flirt. i can't help it. it's how girls in the south are raised!
the local guy wrote me poetry after only 1 date. that's a bit much! but he did know many very interesting details about his community and he pointed me to some cool places i wouldn't have known of otherwise. so i thanked him and politely disengaged.
meanwhile back at the hostel - the owner's ex came by and they're going through a divorce- during which she had a meltdown and fired all the volunteers! she actually was nice enough to give us all till the end of october to find another WWOOF site but i was getting bored and ready to move on so i just left in a huff.
sometimes my temper gets the best of me no matter how hard i try to be a good buddhist. i had kept it in check the whole time i'd been there even though the hostel owner had been wildly emotional and criticized all the volunteers to the point of tears, where they were all seriously hurt and looking for other placements, afraid of her whims causing them to be homeless for christ's sake!
finally after she accused me of pouring out her tea (she kept accusing all of us of anything the hostel guests did as if we were personally trying to make her life hell!) i had just had it. i let her know that i had plenty of other places to go! and i told her that i thought her parents must have given her very little praise and very strong criticism since that was the only form of communication she seemed able to give the WWOOF volunteers. i've spent 20 years in nonprofit management and service, and have learned that just because you are a volunteer does not mean you have to take shit!
the other volunteers privately cheered me on, told me how much they admire me, and we plan on remaining friends and perhaps wwoofing together. but i kinda wish i hadn't blown my cool. i wish i'd behaved more professionally. ah, but sometimes life is short and you just have to lay your cards on the table.
so i'm back in the city, back in san francisco. my favorite city in the whole world! i came back for a burner party.
and it was soooooooooooooo worth it!!!!!!!!!
more later.
just found out my two subtenants have stiffed me for October rent again and the landlord is threatening to start eviction AGAIN! i cannot believe i've had to go through this 2 months in a row. what part of pay your rent on time do people not understand! shit, being a landlord is sucky! being a leasor trying to enforce sublessors rent payments is even suckier!
i contacted a tenants rights organization which said they'd help me so hopefully i can get the subtenants to pay the rent. they are a lesbian couple (doctor and rental tsar) so they should be responsible!!!!!!!!!! wtf - they make like ten times my salary and they can't come up with rent?
the other one, trouble (his name is so apt) moved out without telling me and then failed to pay rent, yet again! (i actually was able to be civil to him in public at the burner party last night but it took every ounce of my graciousness not to call him out in public.)
which means, i could have been living in my huge condo all of october or at least renting it out and earning income on it. but no, he didn't tell me. just moved out with no notice and stiffed me for rent and deposit! and the landlord and other tenants claim he caused all kinds of damage for which i'm now liable.
what an asshole!
last time i deal with burners as roommates! they're cool but californians seem to me to be a flaky bunch!
i really wish i was not a drama queen. i've tried so damn hard to eliminate the drama in my life.
but it seems like it finds me.
what can you do when your tenants don't pay rent except get drama?
how do you deal with a volunteer placement where all the volunteers get let go - by a paranoid depressed woman going through a messy divorce - without drama???????
how do you deal with a jealous lover without drama?
one of my lovers, my favorite one, my steady one, the one who gives me the most mulitiple orgasms, the one who quotes me beautiful poetry in bed, got really jealous over me.
i can understand, since polyamory is hard, and i get jealous too sometimes.
but all the same, it's hard to be on the receiving end. we're going to have lunch today so hopefully we can talk through it.
we have a pattern of doing great when we're in private but he seems to really get upset when we go to parties where i'm interested in other people and they flirt with me or wanna hang out and he feels rejected.
i really love him and care about his feelings so i'm trying to sort out what i'm responsible for and what i'm not. being new to polyamory doesn't help since i still feel so clueless half the time.
but i know i'll find my way.
damn, i've come full cicle back to tribe.net: that's one of the main things i miss about tribe is that it had such a strong polyamory community and i could post questions and have a million answers in no time. people on there gave really good advice and were really experienced.
and i miss my blog readers.
ttfn.
i notice that on blogger, since i have no viewer controls, i don't blog about my hard times as much as my happy times.
on tribe (which i much prefer, but which is having so many difficulties keeping their doors open and consequently so many tech trubs, i gave up!) i had viewer control. i could set some blog entries to private and so only reveal my hard times to my friends.
but it seems i have no readers on here or at least none who leave comments so what the hell? why'm i proud?
i miss the reader comments i use to get on tribe!!!!!!!!!!! i had developed a loyal following and always got feedback. it feels very lonely on blogger, like i'm shouting into the wind - just whistling in the dark. but i believe that blogging has been a very healthy outlet for me so i'm keeping it up.
also, i'm really determined to create a feminist "on the road" version of traveling around cali ala kerouac.
i finally read his _big sur_ (and then toured some of his haunts, including nepenthe). a bunch of run-on sentences and drunken ramblings, but damn, he's a fascinating drunk! and he was brave enough to write about his own wretchedness and self loathing. while he struggled with extreme internalized homophobia, (hell - who didn't in the 50's?) he did write with great tenderness about his male friendships. that takes some guts!
where to start on my last 2 weeks: it's been a whirlwind of activity!
i dated a couple of guys i met in the central coast, both of whom did not get second dates. one local guy bored me to tears in between being fascinating and the other was an indian immigrant who was absolutely clueless about american dating customs. he actually said this to me: "can we do the oral now?" are you kidding me? wtf????? you'd think he was fresh off the boat but no, he'd been in this country for 3 years!!!!!!!!!! he was a young doctoral student who gave me a boring tour of the dairy department at the uni. he was besotted with me and begging to see me again after one evening. oh boy! seriously, he just needed to get out more! telling him i had a son only slightly younger than him did not put him off.
you know how guys complain that girls pressure them to call and then bitch about how they don't call after a date. well, this guy pressured me and pressured me to get together for a second date. i really hate to lie to someone and i pride myself on being honest but i must say, i lied a blue streak to this poor guy just to get rid of him.
all my life, guys have been interested in me way out of proportion to the duration to which they've known me. wtf? it's flattering to a point but after a while, it gets tiring fending off attention that you don't want. i really don't get this! i love myself but i'm no great beauty. i was always popular but learned early on that popularity only gets you so far - you really have to develop morals and a deep sense of yourself to get where you want to go.
i think, perhaps, because my dad and mom trained me in the art of conversation, and they both could make you feel as if you were the only person in the room and the most fascinating one at that - that trait got passed on to me. everyone in my family is genuinely interested in every one they meet. they are not flatterers, but they do have the gift of making other people feel at home and making them feel that they've been heard. we are good compassionate listeners in my clan.
therefore, i've developed a theory about these guys (and a few women) who just get so struck with infatuation after only a little time with me. i think they are falling in love with themselves. i think they've probably not had too many people pay close attention to them and give a crap so they confuse my kindness and genuine interest with romantic intent.
plus, i'm a hopeless flirt. i can't help it. it's how girls in the south are raised!
the local guy wrote me poetry after only 1 date. that's a bit much! but he did know many very interesting details about his community and he pointed me to some cool places i wouldn't have known of otherwise. so i thanked him and politely disengaged.
meanwhile back at the hostel - the owner's ex came by and they're going through a divorce- during which she had a meltdown and fired all the volunteers! she actually was nice enough to give us all till the end of october to find another WWOOF site but i was getting bored and ready to move on so i just left in a huff.
sometimes my temper gets the best of me no matter how hard i try to be a good buddhist. i had kept it in check the whole time i'd been there even though the hostel owner had been wildly emotional and criticized all the volunteers to the point of tears, where they were all seriously hurt and looking for other placements, afraid of her whims causing them to be homeless for christ's sake!
finally after she accused me of pouring out her tea (she kept accusing all of us of anything the hostel guests did as if we were personally trying to make her life hell!) i had just had it. i let her know that i had plenty of other places to go! and i told her that i thought her parents must have given her very little praise and very strong criticism since that was the only form of communication she seemed able to give the WWOOF volunteers. i've spent 20 years in nonprofit management and service, and have learned that just because you are a volunteer does not mean you have to take shit!
the other volunteers privately cheered me on, told me how much they admire me, and we plan on remaining friends and perhaps wwoofing together. but i kinda wish i hadn't blown my cool. i wish i'd behaved more professionally. ah, but sometimes life is short and you just have to lay your cards on the table.
so i'm back in the city, back in san francisco. my favorite city in the whole world! i came back for a burner party.
and it was soooooooooooooo worth it!!!!!!!!!
more later.
just found out my two subtenants have stiffed me for October rent again and the landlord is threatening to start eviction AGAIN! i cannot believe i've had to go through this 2 months in a row. what part of pay your rent on time do people not understand! shit, being a landlord is sucky! being a leasor trying to enforce sublessors rent payments is even suckier!
i contacted a tenants rights organization which said they'd help me so hopefully i can get the subtenants to pay the rent. they are a lesbian couple (doctor and rental tsar) so they should be responsible!!!!!!!!!! wtf - they make like ten times my salary and they can't come up with rent?
the other one, trouble (his name is so apt) moved out without telling me and then failed to pay rent, yet again! (i actually was able to be civil to him in public at the burner party last night but it took every ounce of my graciousness not to call him out in public.)
which means, i could have been living in my huge condo all of october or at least renting it out and earning income on it. but no, he didn't tell me. just moved out with no notice and stiffed me for rent and deposit! and the landlord and other tenants claim he caused all kinds of damage for which i'm now liable.
what an asshole!
last time i deal with burners as roommates! they're cool but californians seem to me to be a flaky bunch!
i really wish i was not a drama queen. i've tried so damn hard to eliminate the drama in my life.
but it seems like it finds me.
what can you do when your tenants don't pay rent except get drama?
how do you deal with a volunteer placement where all the volunteers get let go - by a paranoid depressed woman going through a messy divorce - without drama???????
how do you deal with a jealous lover without drama?
one of my lovers, my favorite one, my steady one, the one who gives me the most mulitiple orgasms, the one who quotes me beautiful poetry in bed, got really jealous over me.
i can understand, since polyamory is hard, and i get jealous too sometimes.
but all the same, it's hard to be on the receiving end. we're going to have lunch today so hopefully we can talk through it.
we have a pattern of doing great when we're in private but he seems to really get upset when we go to parties where i'm interested in other people and they flirt with me or wanna hang out and he feels rejected.
i really love him and care about his feelings so i'm trying to sort out what i'm responsible for and what i'm not. being new to polyamory doesn't help since i still feel so clueless half the time.
but i know i'll find my way.
damn, i've come full cicle back to tribe.net: that's one of the main things i miss about tribe is that it had such a strong polyamory community and i could post questions and have a million answers in no time. people on there gave really good advice and were really experienced.
and i miss my blog readers.
ttfn.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
San Luis Obispo Farmers' Market
just as beautiful as it really is. wish you could hear the laughter, the street musicians, the little tiny donuts frying.
and smell the kettle corn, and the cinnamon sugar sprinkled on the donuts, breathe in the fall night air with a hint of ocean breeze.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm delightful!
and smell the kettle corn, and the cinnamon sugar sprinkled on the donuts, breathe in the fall night air with a hint of ocean breeze.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm delightful!
sol at the farmer's market in slo
this guy sol played fiddle so beautifully. and he tapped a jangle with his shoe.
Farmer's Market, San Luis Obispo, California 8-28-2008
i love this lady. she's so sexy and she teases all the customers.
i would sooooooooooooo do her!!!!!!!!!!!!
i would sooooooooooooo do her!!!!!!!!!!!!
farmer's and new dates
last night i soaked in hot springs mineral water while watching a movie. only in california. then i'd step out of the mineral bath, really a small pool and into the heated olympic size pool to swim a few laps on my back and stare up at the stars. the place was surrounded by palm trees and i could see their silouettes against the night sky. really just stunningly beautiful.
i had been asked out by a local guy. tonight we met at a farmer's market (at the date stand) and walked around chatting. he's interesting but not my sexual type. i enjoy learning about local culture and he's very well versed in that. plus, he's athletic and outdoorsy which appeals to me. he bikes, hikes, camps, swims. so do i.
the san luis obispo farmer's market is the best one i've ever been to. they shut down the streets on huigara close the mission the town is named for. it's beautiful, i toured it tonight as well. a beautiful walkway and tree lined courtyard (with bare barked eucalyptus), lovely small garden with concord grapes growing on covered trellises. a fountain with a sculpted bear splashing children and fish. there were pomegranate trees, with their erotic pinkish red fruit hanging low, and all kinds of flowers, tall blooming hibiscus bushes - trees really!
last night, i was worried over meeting this new guy. but he was a perfect gentleman. he massaged my feet while we soaked and chatted. he was very amiable but i remained chaste since i wasn't really into him physically. i'm impressed with his idea for a first date though. it was quite a lovely soak! and simply magical to swim under the stars!
before i met him, i hiked at avila beach. absolutely beautiful! the harbor was full of brightly colored sail boats at anchor. i walked and walked the beach at sunset. high golden rocky cliffs and rolling green mountains sink into the sea there.
life is so sweet.
this afternoon, after work, i hiked moonstone beach and watched seals relax on rocks or ride the waves, their little heads bobbing up and down - hundreds of them. slivers of sunshine spiked through the fog. it was so gorgeous.
i feel so blessed!
the owners of the sustainable business where i'm working made fresh jam, homemade salsa (with garden fresh tomatoes, peppers and cilantro), and lentil soup this week. i've been eating well. they feed us 2 meals a day and give us a stipend for the rest. i can't believe i get to live in this charming town.
monday afternooon, i moved into the little cottage by the side of the inn. i sleep in the loft which is drafty but at least a little more private. and the other volunteers here (we just got two more) are very friendly and fun and interesting.
there is a young couple who are very much in love. they are at the stage where they can't keep their eyes (or hands) off each other but i heard her telling him off yesterday so i guess they are also having little lovers quarrels.
we have the most interesting guests who stay here. one british woman described suddenly getting vertigo at the top of the statue of liberty and the police had to shut it down and get EMTs to talk her down. she just froze at the top of the lady's torch and couldn't come down. it took hours and the whole park was shut down because of her. she laughed and laughed telling us the story. i love meeting strangers who are touring around. we get lots of europeans, (dollar is LOW!) belgians, aussies, french, a couple of netherlanders, a hungarian holocaust refugee, many germans and brits. it's fun telling them about the area and hearing their impressions of california. they all love it.
nighty night. i'm happy as a clam and off to bed. i'm touring hearst castle tomorrow with my new friend, a fellow volunteer. she's a friendly young woman, very feisty and hilarious. and even though she's young enough to be my daughter, she thinks i'm a lot of fun.
wish me luck. i got asked out by a college man and i'm going tomorrow, maybe. he said he i was a "sexy milf." ha! and a "cougar" experience. that just cracked me up! if only these young men knew what a good girl i was raised to be!
(wow! you gotta love this inn! it's a pension. and a really hot young blonde man just staggered out of his room in his boxers and nothing else, to use the wc. it's a great life.)
i had been asked out by a local guy. tonight we met at a farmer's market (at the date stand) and walked around chatting. he's interesting but not my sexual type. i enjoy learning about local culture and he's very well versed in that. plus, he's athletic and outdoorsy which appeals to me. he bikes, hikes, camps, swims. so do i.
the san luis obispo farmer's market is the best one i've ever been to. they shut down the streets on huigara close the mission the town is named for. it's beautiful, i toured it tonight as well. a beautiful walkway and tree lined courtyard (with bare barked eucalyptus), lovely small garden with concord grapes growing on covered trellises. a fountain with a sculpted bear splashing children and fish. there were pomegranate trees, with their erotic pinkish red fruit hanging low, and all kinds of flowers, tall blooming hibiscus bushes - trees really!
last night, i was worried over meeting this new guy. but he was a perfect gentleman. he massaged my feet while we soaked and chatted. he was very amiable but i remained chaste since i wasn't really into him physically. i'm impressed with his idea for a first date though. it was quite a lovely soak! and simply magical to swim under the stars!
before i met him, i hiked at avila beach. absolutely beautiful! the harbor was full of brightly colored sail boats at anchor. i walked and walked the beach at sunset. high golden rocky cliffs and rolling green mountains sink into the sea there.
life is so sweet.
this afternoon, after work, i hiked moonstone beach and watched seals relax on rocks or ride the waves, their little heads bobbing up and down - hundreds of them. slivers of sunshine spiked through the fog. it was so gorgeous.
i feel so blessed!
the owners of the sustainable business where i'm working made fresh jam, homemade salsa (with garden fresh tomatoes, peppers and cilantro), and lentil soup this week. i've been eating well. they feed us 2 meals a day and give us a stipend for the rest. i can't believe i get to live in this charming town.
monday afternooon, i moved into the little cottage by the side of the inn. i sleep in the loft which is drafty but at least a little more private. and the other volunteers here (we just got two more) are very friendly and fun and interesting.
there is a young couple who are very much in love. they are at the stage where they can't keep their eyes (or hands) off each other but i heard her telling him off yesterday so i guess they are also having little lovers quarrels.
we have the most interesting guests who stay here. one british woman described suddenly getting vertigo at the top of the statue of liberty and the police had to shut it down and get EMTs to talk her down. she just froze at the top of the lady's torch and couldn't come down. it took hours and the whole park was shut down because of her. she laughed and laughed telling us the story. i love meeting strangers who are touring around. we get lots of europeans, (dollar is LOW!) belgians, aussies, french, a couple of netherlanders, a hungarian holocaust refugee, many germans and brits. it's fun telling them about the area and hearing their impressions of california. they all love it.
nighty night. i'm happy as a clam and off to bed. i'm touring hearst castle tomorrow with my new friend, a fellow volunteer. she's a friendly young woman, very feisty and hilarious. and even though she's young enough to be my daughter, she thinks i'm a lot of fun.
wish me luck. i got asked out by a college man and i'm going tomorrow, maybe. he said he i was a "sexy milf." ha! and a "cougar" experience. that just cracked me up! if only these young men knew what a good girl i was raised to be!
(wow! you gotta love this inn! it's a pension. and a really hot young blonde man just staggered out of his room in his boxers and nothing else, to use the wc. it's a great life.)
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
that does it!
ok i've had it with obama.
i'm voting for nader i decided. that will make 3 elections in a row.
i loved obama; i really did. and i really wanted to vote for him. i believed in him after i read his autobiography. and god knows i was proud he was a community organizer like me. i loved everything he stood for, until lately.
first he voted to excuse AT&T and all the communications companies who spied on americans illegally.
then he said nothing about all the HUGE corporate donations and back room deals at the DNC.
then he kept saying "mr. mccain is exactly right" in his debate, probably coached by some PR person. (grow some balls and tell mccain off!)
then he supported the corporate excess bailout.
i've absolutely had it with him.
i'm done.
i know folks will say my vote is worthless and may cost lives, but i'm voting for the revolution.
if nader had won in 92 or 96 or 2000, we wouldn't have had 9/11. he supported cockpit locks decades ago.
if he had won in 00, we wouldn't be in iraq.
if he had won in 04, we wouldn't have had a financial mess on wall street.
i'm using my one tiny little american vote for democracy.
Friday, September 26, 2008
the way he fucks me
he grabs me from behind and pushes up against me at the side of the cheap motel bed. he pulls me close and growls in my ear "let's fuck a little, baby." i push back against him and feel his hardness through my clothes. i'm already breathing heavier just at the sound of his voice.
his knees part my legs from behind. through his clothes, he pushes his cock into the part in my ass and begins a slow fucking rhythm and times it with his kisses.
he licks my ear, bites my neck, whispers "take your jacket off." it comes out as a command. i like to be ordered around sometimes.
i slowly peel off my clothes while he watches.
i fall on the bed and he rips his clothes off. he's on me immediately. i love the weight of him, the way he presses me against the mattress. his coffee chest is so beautiful. i could stare at it and play with his hair for hours. he has the absolute perfect amount, not too much, not too little. it's dark now and i can't see it. this afternoon, i watched him while he undressed and marveled that i get to make love to him.
i suck on his nipple but he doesn't go for that. (my boyfriend does and i miss doing it.)
he climbs to the foot of the bed, parts my legs even wider and plunges his head in between my thighs. i feel him licking my clit, tugging on my lips, sucking my wet pussy and i get wetter immediately.
with every other guy, it always takes me a long time to get excited. with him, i go from zero to sixty in seconds.
i let out a long low moan. he pushes a thumb into my wet wet cunt, and i scream as i come. he wets his finger and pushes his pinkie into my ass and i scream even louder. he makes me come so many times i lose track of time, of where i am, of anything but his fingers and his tongue. i come and come and come and come. no one can make me come like he does.
i'm spent from coming and yet excited and ready for anything. i tug on his shoulder and beg him, "hold me." i love to be held after i come. and i love to feel his whole body covering mine. he sinks on to me. he whispers in my ear "i love you, baby." we lay holding each other while my heavy breathing slows. we clutch each other like lovers who have limited time do.
finally, he rolls off me and lets me lay on his shoulder. i start to touch him but he says, "just enjoy your afterglow, baby." i throw my leg over his. i could sleep now and be happy.
but the feel of him and his energy flowing between us excites me again.
we start rocking together. pushing against each other and enjoying the tension and release. push, rock, push, rock, push, rock. i can feel him getting hard again.
i climb on top of him and tease him with my body, my cunt rubbing up and down, up and down, back and forth. i snake my body up and down on him, massaging his cock with my breasts. he whines a little, "mmmmmmmmgggggggghhhhhhh." compared to me he's pretty quiet.
i'm playing it cool, but suddenly i can't stand it. i have to have him inside me NOW. i take the condom from him and roll it down on him. then take him firmly in my hand and push him there, right there, inside me. i love that first thrust, that feel of dick sliding into wet pussy, him so firm, me so soft and moist. he pushes up up up into all of me. i feel him filling me and i gasp. that first thrust, so mmmmmmmmm! there are no words.
i ride him cowgirl style, up and down, up and down his cock till we are both ready to explode. he's the only man who can make me come this way - through intercourse alone. no one's ever been able to do that. i'm shocked to feel myself coming again. i moan in his ear, "please, please, you're making me come again baby, please." and he knows that's his cue to fuck me harder, deeper, faster till i peak, riding him like a piston.
i roll off of him and onto my side away from him but close, so close. he snuggles up to my back and wraps his arms around me. we continue our rhythm, his hard cock pushing all up on my round ass, then pulling back, leaving me wanting him all over again, any way, any where, any how. i need him; i'm not satiated yet.
and that's when he says it. the thing that drives me crazy for him. "do you want me to fuck you in the ass now, baby?" that's what he does to me. he makes ME want it.
some idiots push a woman or threaten her emotionally. but no, he makes ME want him, there in my most naughty of places. he makes me want to do bad bad things. he makes ME want him bareback.
we get the lube. we're both well read on this subject and know it takes lots of lube. i love putting the oil on his erection. i love the feel of him putting lotion on my ass. he rubs in a finger and i nearly scream from the sudden, intense pleasure. he massages me back and forth, readying me for his much larger cock. i'm scared. but he's very gentle and he knows to go slow.
he's at my entrance and i'm guiding him in slowly, ever so slowly. then we begin our dance. careful at first, measured and gentle. then harder and more passionate, thrusting in and out, in and out. with each withdrawal, i push back against him.
his breathing gets more and more labored, heavier and i know he's close. "i'm going to come inside you baby, you want me to come now, baby?" before i can answer, he yells, the only loud sound he's made all night, at the same time as he plunges deep inside me. and he pumps a few more times as he moans.
then we fall back on the bed in exhaustion, each totally spent from the intensity. we are completely wrapped up in each other's bodies. arms and legs tangled together, inseparable, for the moment at least.
soon, his breathing gets slow and i listen to him drift off. i love that he's able to sleep in my arms. he's never been able to do that before, he says. and before long, i join him in my dreams.
we only have this one weekend. he goes back to his wife* on sunday. i leave for another city the next morning. our time is precious.
*we don't cheat; we're both in open relationships.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
how i spend my days here
in the morning i rise early (for me, anything before 10 am is EARLY!), greet the sleepy or cheerful hostelers with offers of hot coffee, tea and delicious homemade tart red berry jam on locally baked bread: sour dough, oatmeal and cinnamon.
then i make up beds and scrub toilets. not glamorous by a long shot. lately i've wondered what in hell i'm doing here: i have a master's degree for christ's sake.
but i like it here so much. and my afternoons and evenings are completely free. i lolled about on the lawnchair today reading one of my favorite author's isabel allende, a chilean feminist and award winning novelist.
more later; i had yummy fresh lettuce and organic tomatoes on my california blt (made with locally grown avocadoes) for lunch made by the proprietor and i'm off to another great meal....
a fellow WWOOFer fried up herbed polenta in butter and olive oil and i sauteed veggies the other night so we're having a feast. mmmmmmmmm the polenta was perfectly crunchy on the outside and warm and chewy on the inside.
then we sat around giggling at each other's favorite silly youtube vids. a night well spent. i was looking up recipes for "apple pan dowdy" something my mom used to make, since we have tons of apples here. my mom used to sing a little ditty every time she made it and i thought she'd written it. turns out, it's an old dinah shore song, "shoo fly pie and apple pan dowdy" which i found on youtube!
i really adore the people here. the hostel is run by twin sisters, very hearty big boned cheerful outdoorsy gals, with translucent skin, lots of freckles and beautiful long strawberry blonde hair. they are soft spoken, kind and friendly.
they are also very picky about how things are done and i felt rebuffed when they critiqued my housekeeping but frankly, they are so unfailingly polite and generous and they acknowledge their nitpicking and inconsistencies with a laugh and a self deprecating air, so it's hard to resent them. i manage it though. the first day i spent housecleaning i wanted to quit. the second day i hated it. but this morning i felt like i'd gotten into a little groove.
and the rewards are great.
very great.
the house is absolutely charming - just the kind of house you'd expect a doting grandmother who keeps chicken and dumplings on the stove would have. and they exude a warmth that pervades the house. they have really turned this hostel into a home away from home.
the colors are soothing or cheerily bright. the windows are sunny. the garden is in bloom. there are comfy chairs for the weary traveler everywhere, on the sun soaked lawn, where you can just hear the sea birds and inside, by the big stone fireplace. there are good books for leisure reading and plenty of lamps to read by.
they clean using only bio friendly products (vinegar water and simple green or bioKleen) and recycle all their gray water (what's used in dishwashing and laundry and showers) into the lawns.
and the little town is within walking distance - literally half a block away. it's divided into two friendly sized villages with lots of local shops and restaurants offering slow organic california cuisine matched with locally grown wines. there is more wine grown here than anywhere in the country with the exception of sonoma and napa. there are countless wine tasting tours and vineyards with weekend concerts. there are delightful bakeries, wine and cheese shops, and fabulous blown glass art galleries and even a blacksmith's forgery.
yesterday i walked through the catholic cemetary.
the fog misting over the redwoods and the spanish moss dangling from big pines made everything a little eery. there were so many italian names on the headstones, many said "native of switzerland." swiss italians help settle this area. and many of their descendants are here to this day. there is a little catholic shop called "pedro pio's" with statues of saints and mother mary everywhere.
i went to bed late last night, and i'm very tired today. (you try hanging 10 queen size sheets out to dry and lugging a vacuum up and down stairs and climbing up lofts to make beds! it's better than yoga for a work out!)
but i'm happy. there's nothing like the reward of hard physical work, which i haven't done in a long while. and my body feels good.
i'm a confirmed WWOOFer. this life agrees with me for the time being at least. all's well in my little world.
Monday, September 22, 2008
seals and babies and laundry on the line
i held a french baby named rose and rocked her almost to sleep in my arms. she smelled so yummy - nothing smells better than a newborn who's just been bathed.
i watched seals frolic on the waves in the kelp.
i got sand and sea water on my feet and splashed around in the waves in my flip flops.
i got a farmer's tan.
i toured an organic farm and picked tomatoes, red bell peppers, green jalapeños, lemons, limes, and oranges no bigger around than a half dollar but so juicy and sweet! the farmer had offered me lettuce but it was still too young. i'll go back next week.
i bought some more veggies, avocados and yellow crook necked squash, at an unmanned fruit stand, through the honor system, at a farm called dos pasos. i placed my quarters in the piggy bank.
i hung laundry out to dry which i haven't done since i was a little girl and my grandmama was in her 80's.
i sauteed my veggies in olive oil and sea salt. mmmmmmmmmmm!
i listened to french, german, spanish and the musicality of international speakers who know english ever so much better then i know any other language.
i love what i'm doing.
i'm wwoofing around california. it's an affordable way to travel. right now i'm on the central coast and loving it!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
diary of a former sexually frustrated housewife
tonight: i'm in a gorgeous charming hotel in cambria where i have an interview to do some WWOOFing (volunteering in their garden in return for free housing and food.)
saturday (last night): got hit on by a bunch of cute guys at a sexy kinky party at the san francisco citadel. and got to make out with this really cute young guy. he was so adorable and really shy. that was so sweet! left the party with my lover who expressed that he was angry with me on the way home since i had spent little time with him at the party. (i think he was jealous. but hey, we're polyamorous so we decided not to go together to kink parties cuz the main reason i go is to be with new people which is my fetish.) i love him so much and don't want to hurt his feelings so i apologized and made it up to him. i pampered him late into the night - we got a cheap motel (since i'm still "homeless" while i decide where i want to land) in the berkeley area and had fun till the wee hours of the morning.
yesterday (saturday)- had afternoon delight with my loverman before the kink party. he made sweet love to me all afternoon and that was fun. then i hiked in the berkeley hills - i love the parks there, especially the small one by the rose garden.
friday night: my sweet new friend (from the bay area bisexual network) treated me to a spiritual tantric workshop. it was very deep and i went into a meditative state while he was speaking. felt very healing.
she had me over for lunch beforehand and that was nice since i hadn't realized how lonely i'd become on the road. it's nice to do girl talk after doing without for a long time! my best friends for 10 years have been guys - my boyfriends and ex-boyfriends whom i'm still close with. i had a huge group of girlfriends in texas and tennessee and i miss them soooooooo much!
(just had a nice long conversation with my ex whose mom just lost her license. she's got dementia and the cops took her license away. he's having to care for her in ways very similar to how i cared for my father. and we were able to love up on each other over the phone. he adores my kids and loves to hear about them. he loves to ask detailed questions and is a great conversationalist. makes me feel very loved.)
that afternoon i took a very long hike all through wildcat canyon - my friend's house backs onto it. and there are trails everywhere. the sign said to sing out loud or talk so you won't startle a mountain lion. so i sang and clapped my way all over the canyon.
thursday night - was back in the bay area but was "homeless" - (see below).
thursday - shitty; had to get police intervention on my rental property since asshole roommate refuses to move out but is making the place such a mess that the other renters refused to pay rent. one of the other renters is truly insane; she stole my keys when i came over to check on the condo and evict the asshole. she then locked me out of my own condo to prevent the eviction when her wife had asked for my immediate intervention. a really crazy bitch! insane to the membrane! so the police helped me get all my stuff back that the woman had locked up inside my house which she wouldn't let me access! a real nutcase! she'd locked my purse and computer in the house and wouldn't let me in! she lied to the cops about the other renter so they would not allow me to complete the eviction without a court order. so now i've just decided to let all the crazy people live together and lose my deposit over this. they are all too much trouble and i don't want to deal with any of them anymore!
so bottom line - i had nowhere to stay since the roommate who was supposed to move out on the 15th didn't! but i'm glad i didn't move back in to my old place - tooooo much drama!
but i'm happy. having nowhere to stay bumped up my time to WWOOF - volunteering in return for housing on organic farms (or sometimes conference sites or hostels). and i've wanted to WWOOF for years!
my interview is tomorrow to see if they want to keep me and if i want to stay. so far i love it here - the people are nice and the town is absolutely charming! wish me luck!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
down Bohemian Highway - a garden of pleasures
this is my friend's description of the cabin in the woods where i'm housesitting.
"My place is comfy for one or two people. There is a double bed and a futon. A sunny deck off the kitchen, and front porch/deck w/picnic table, a TV w/dvd/vhs capabilities, NO cable TV, NO dsl, NO cell phone reception. I doubt you'd need the woodstove but it is there w/wood. I live in a truly remarkable place about 2 hrs from SF, north of Jenner. It is quiet, the air is forest sweet, sometime besides hearing the ocean roar I can smell the sea, the tap water is deliciously satisfying, the deer eat all my flowers on my porch, and the back deck has a great if now fading flower garden. Sometimes if the wind is right I can hear the seals at the mouth of Russian River at Goat Rock Beach."
isn't that wonderful?
i slept long and hard last night, waking up only briefly due to pain. i rarely have to deal with my pain any more. i think being happy and following my heart has healed me to a great degree! but worry and stress cause me a few sleepless nights and i was worried over my roommate situation last night.
but i woke determined to shake off my blues and found a lovely hike - the sonoma coast vista trail. i hiked about 3 miles on and off trail, down to the cliffs above the sea. during the last portion, i crawled so as not to go tumbling off the edge down 300 feet below to the rocks of the shoreline. i watched a long time as sea birds glided just above the water, seals poked their little noses up for a breath of fresh air only to dive down again, and the waves made swirling patterns of beauty and chaos below me.
a motor boat sped by way out below the horizon while a sailboat seemed to remain perfectly still in the light breeze.
i could see all the way to goat rock where seals come to bear their pups, but not at this time of year. now they are out at sea.
i lazily wandered down bohemian highway and got directions to occidental arts and ecology center. (OAEC)
then i found the best lentil soup and fresh baked raspberry turnovers at the charming howard's cafe. mmmmmmmmmm similar to the fried pies my uncle used to buy in bucksnort tennessee. i love fruit pies!!!! the crust was so tender. the filling so delicious.
i've been on OAEC's mailing list ever since i read about them on the intentional communities website. they offer all kinds of cool classes and programs and even a summer chatauqua theater series.
i saw the site today - a beautiful small amphitheater in the woods right below the north garden where i joined volunteers weeding onions. (wednesday is volunteer gardening day.) about 7 of us weeded an entire row of all kinds of onions and filled up several wheelbarrows full of sweet red onions and savory white ones. i enjoyed the camaraderie of my peers. we laughed and told stories while we pulled. it made the work go faster.
the onions make a very satisfying "thwamp" sound when you pull them up. some were bigger than my fist. the bigger, the noisier, the more satisfying. then there were little cute ones with maroon skin and many long white tendril roots.
nature is so beautiful. so complex and simple at the same time!
i'm in the sonoma county library right now.
i'm doing some of my favorite things today:
1. find new places to hike
2. tour intentional communities
3. work out in nature
4. visit libraries in each small or large town you pass by
5. eat fresh baked goods
i'm very happy today.
i'm proud that i can pull myself out of a bad mood. i've developed many skills to do this and it feels good to have tools in my toolbelt. i used to feel swept away by the blues, by depression, when it hit. like i was out of control and overwhelmed by emotions.
now i feel like i can make friends with it, ask it what it has to teach me, meditate on that which i'm grateful for, hike even if i don't feel like it, and before i know it, i'm no longer blue.
yay!
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